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I Want to Want to (I just don't know how)

11/24/2019

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                 Have you...
​Recommitted to a partner after an infidelity?
Been in a relationship for a while and feel more platonically than romantically connected to your partner?
Recently entered into a new relationship after having been hurt by a previous partner? 
If any of the above hit home for you, you may be struggling with wanting to desire your partner but being unable to tap into the desire itself.

In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.

First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).
Our bodies are made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment.       
​       Stephanie P. Bathurst
Second, heal and reprocess any history of physical or sexual trauma with a trained professional. It is critical that you heal from the suffering of past pain and diffuse your subconscious defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are ingrained survivalist tendencies but they will ALWAYS prioritize self-protection higher than relational connection.

Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli.  We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.

Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire. 
Holistic Treatment - Low Libido
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The Role of Oxytocin in Relationships

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist

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Love & Possession

8/4/2019

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​At first glance, these words seem in opposition of one another. And in a healthy system, they are. So why do we, in normative culture, make romanticized expressions of love that glorify possession as a sort of rite of passage within a relationship? A healthy union does not rely solely on commitment or obligation to one another. Wouldn’t you prefer to wake up every day knowing that your partner chooses to be with you all over again? Try out these narrative reframes and see how they feel differently for you:
“They are mine and I am theirs.”
Instead, let’s try, “They choose to be mine and I choose to be theirs.”
​
“As a spouse, I am entitled to my partner’s time.”
Instead, let’s try, “I want to spend time with my partner.”

​“It’s my duty to have sex when my partner is interested.”
Instead, let’s try, “I enjoy experiencing intimacy with my partner.”
We do not have an inherent right for ownership over another human being. In the same regard, we do not have the power to change, fix, heal or control another person (although we can express a degree of impact). The use of possessive language manipulates our expectations of another and builds feelings of jealousy out of these unreasonable expectations, as there is inevitable disappointment or loss associated with the repetitious let-down.

I invite us all to embrace personal choice and freedom in our relationships. This requires consciously releasing the rigidity of commitment, at least in the context that our societal history of oppression and hierarchy have shaped. Be mindful of the way that you are organically processing and absorbing your definition of commitment in your own relationship. Are there inadvertent signs of possession in your narrative? The good thing: What is learned, can be unlearned. YOU have the power and the ability to re-write your own narrative of love.

When you have an intention toward change, you create opportunity for it to come to fruition. 1. Develop awareness, 2. Identify your intention and 3. Invoke positive change for yourself. 

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

4/26/2019

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When you think of the phrase Arousal Template, what do you think of? Well, when you search in google the predominant literature on arousal templates seem to be linked to Sex Addiction and recovery. Dr. Patrick Carnes originally defined a person's arousal template as a compilation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.

​In an effort to model sex positivity in larger American culture, I want to challenge this  tether between the construct of Arousal Templates and the limiting singular intention of treating sexual addiction. Arousal Template formulation can act to embrace the sexual enlightenment that can come from loving all that is you.

Let's make a choice to veer away from automatic pathology of sex. In my clinical belief, every human being has an inherent arousal template (we are, in fact, developed with evolutionary drives to procreate and belong to a group). The arousal template itself is a neutral entity. Could portions of it encapsulate unhealthy frameworks of sexuality or be partially built upon negative life experiences, such as sexual trauma or gender-shaming? Absolutely. And this is part of why identifying your own unique composition of arousal is so important. So that we can be mindful of our own needs, wants and limitations within and outside of the bedroom. And so that any partner(s) we may connect with have access to the information needed for showing respect to our needs, wants or limitations.

Let's formulate together. What comprises sexual / arousal templates?

- Philosophies of sexuality?
- Intriguing topics related to arousal?
- Known entities related to desire, arousal or orgasm?
- Preferred gender pronoun?
- Where do you lay on the sexual orientation spectrum?
- In what ways do you link sexuality with positivity (uplifting, pleasant emotional response) and in what ways do you link sexuality with negativity (heavy, unpleasant emotional response)?
- Your sexual history (memories that include sexuality, body form, “firsts”, etc)
- Religious or spiritual beliefs associated to sexuality?
- Presence of shame or guilt related to body form or sexual acts?
- What encourages you to tether sexual energy to one person / entity more than another? 
- What turns you on or off?
- How much / in what way to you embody both masculine and feminine energy? What               forms of energy do you seek in a sexual partner?
- What was modeled for you for affection in your family of origin?
- What role does sex play in your life? (i.e. How do you prioritize it with other life values?           How much time do you choose to devote to it?)
- Beliefs on the use of sex toys, pornography, masturbatory aids?
- What is your preferred relationship structure? Why?
 
I hope that this activity sparked some reflection. It is impossible to communicate what we want / don't want to those that we connect with if we are unsure ourselves. This activity helps make your unique composition concrete enough to effectively verbalize. If you are celebrating life independently of a partner, this activity helps confirm the many aspects of your arousal template so that you can better love yourself in all of your unique glory. Enjoy yourselves and each other. 


Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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Considering an Open Relationship?

11/5/2018

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Thinking about opening up your relationship? Before you do, I encourage a reflection between you and your current, primary partner as to the intent. Jumping into a non-traditional relationship structure for the first time can be an exhilarating and joining experience for you both…   If it is done healthily and with preparation. I can not tell you how many new client have entered into therapy with the catalyst being a poorly constructed opening of the relationship.  To enter into consensual non-monogamy without proper attention to how, why, and in what way can ultimately lead to feelings of betrayal and infidelity.

When we start this journey off with healthy and positive intent, we have such higher probability of success. Reasons NOT to enter into an open relationship at this time:
  • I am no longer interested in my partner and am looking for someone else to have sex with.  
  • My partner and I are having serious relationship difficulties and think that bringing in a “spark” will help.
  • I am feeling angry or hurt and want my partner to feel as hurt as I am.
​If any of these are present, please seek out a Couple Therapist to help repair the dyadic relationship FIRST. When stable, together you can look through the attached contract questionnaire to get started in enjoying the fruits of consensual non-monogamy.
The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment.
                                            - Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
I have been working on the formulation of a Energy Theory for Relationships that affirms the significance of HOW energy within a relational system is dissemination as the primary identifier of a successful relationship rather than HOW MANY persons are included in the romantic system. [Dissertation and Book to come]. For now, I will shared some brief insight. Energy comes in a variance of forms (please reference Chapman’s theory on The 5 Love Languages, Gottman's Forms of Betrayal, and Berman's book Quantum Love). The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment. This energy exchange IS NOT exclusively dependent on the presence of an additional dyad in the system.

For those of you who have read my article on Repair from Infidelity, this statement will sound familiar. An infidelity is ANYTHING that drains vital energy from the dyadic relationship. To prevent a non-traditional relationship structure from being experienced as an infidelity, it requires us to be mindful and conscientious of how we allocate our energy to each partner(s). This mindfulness of energy exchange can be solidified in a therapeutic and transparent way through the review of my Open Relationship Contract Questionnaire, breaking down the process into 3 vital components: Boundaries, Safety, Communication. All of you Kinksters out there will connect with this last bit. Consent, Consent, Consent. There should be no secrecy, no shame, no judgement when entering into a new structure together. 

When we are healthy and stable individuals, we can then create a healthy and stable system. This system should absolutely include exploration and excitement. For some, that goes beyond monogamy. And for them, that is wonderful!
BFT Open Contract Questionnaire
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Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

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What do you Need? What do you Want?

6/3/2018

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Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels
Each and every human is a remarkable biological creature.  You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you are able to provide fulfillment to your partner. My practice's motto is “Get Back to the Basics”. Oh, how true this is. Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.
First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue:  Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
           I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for               this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.
 
How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need     “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I                       will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want    “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel                          disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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Take off your Invisibility Cloak and Jump into the World!

3/3/2018

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Emotional defense mechanisms are like brick walls. They don’t discriminate about what they keep out. Your shield, may very well serve the purpose of keeping out hurt or pain but it simultaneously keeps out opportunities for attachment, care and love. This defense likely served a valuable function at one point in your life, protecting you in a situation that was perceived to be threatening. The presence of these built-in protective shields become problematic when they are continued out of habit rather than necessity. These emotional walls can often become unconsciously attached with your identity and cause you to detach from relationships or isolate from life experiences even in conflict with personal goals. Some may never have created an adaptive mechanism and feel overwhelmed by chaotic social environments, high-intensity work experiences, confrontation with another person and even emotionally intense movies. These are often Introverts or Empaths (people with high emotionally intelligence).  

For those who absorb other people’s negativity or emotion and need to build up their emotional boundary for personal health, visualizing a shield, of sorts, can make concrete your emotional boundary. If you consider yourself to be an Empath this skill is VITAL to your own emotional grounding and in preventing burnout. I encourage my clients to personalize this activity to ensure efficacy of intervention. Make it your own!

Example 1: Imagine a superhero shield. When you feel like you need to deflect the negativity that someone else is trying to throw at you, place the palms of your hands up slightly. As you flex your hands, imagine this invisible shield switching on. It acts as a mirror, causing any negative emotion or comment to bounce right back at the person projecting it toward you.

Example 2: Have you ever seen Harry Potter? Remember the scene where Voldemort and Dumbledore battle in the Ministry of Magic? Dumbledore protects himself from thrown shattered glass by creating a shield. In this shield, anything that passes through is morphed into soft sand and rendered harmless. Use your finger as a wand when you want to implement this skill (a finger moving is inconspicuous in public and the physical cue can help formalize the shield visualization for your brain).

For those who have developed too rigid of a boundary with others and want to break down those bricks to connect again, reflect on people or environments that you can rationally identify as “safe”. Example 1: When ready, imagine stepping through this removed space of your environment and into open air. Join the world. Your brain has gotten so good at compartmentalizing that making a choice to join the present moment in your mental and emotional entirety will likely feel very uncomfortable. When you consciously bring down your emotional shield, do you feel lost, vulnerable or naked? The discomfort is temporary. The more you practice this skill and gain control, the associated anxiety of the unfamiliar will dissipate (I swear).

As with most concepts in the therapeutic context, we seek healthy moderation. Having an ability to turn on those protective walls in a future threatening situation can be a useful tool in keeping you safe. Having control of the emotional fluidity between you and your outside social environment can help you connect on a deeper level with those you care for. Moderation can help us remain safe while still prioritizing our quality of life.
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Good luck in your practice of healthy emotional boundaries! 

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

9/1/2017

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Step 1         Find a Mediator

​Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Step 2          Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths. In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “Do I stay or go?” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list, reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?" 
Metaphor
When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3         Commitment 

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions. The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.
When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships. 
Other Forms of Betrayal
Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree. ​
Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt. 

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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All I want is your time.

7/4/2017

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Picturephoto credit: dmitryzhkov DR150904_0936D via photopin (license)
We live in an attention economy.  Have you ever been engaged in conversation with someone and either their focus was split with another attention-consuming commodity or their attention was prioritized by another task perceivably more exciting or fulfilling than your present conversation? Everyday as a therapist, I am met with the upset of a partner, friend or family member who feels that their importance in the world of their loved ones has been stolen by television, gossip magazines, or that toss-a-ball-at-a-can app that seems to zombify any participant. The marketing ploys of today's attention economy feed instant gratification and short-term adrenaline... but at the expense of developing and sustaining long-term social attachments and healthy communication skills. Regain the power of where / who / what you gift your attention to. Make sure that this energy loss is a voluntary choice and of benefit to you.  

Do you choose to make a conscious effort to stay present? If so, have you tried (to no avail) and what more can you do?

1. Practice Mindfulness. There are many forms of mindfulness. Try to focus on the experience of the now; what is going on around you and how your body is absorbing and responding to that energy. 

2. In social situations, practice staying present by trying the following tips. If you find your eyes glazing over and becoming blurry/ unfocused during conversation with someone, periodically shift your gaze from their left eye to the middle of their nose to their right eye and back. You can also try reading their lips to connect with the words you hear throughout conversation. This forces your vision to constantly adapt and focus on your preferred target. 

3. Practice Active Listening Techniques. These are communication tools that reinforce healthy processing and response:
- Empathy   (Understanding how the person may feel in their own experience)
- Validation  (Affirming that the person's own perspective is always valid... even if you do not agree with it)
- Mirroring   (Direct reflection back of what they said)
- Paraphrasing or Summarizing    (A chunked review of their expression)
- Switching     (Asking if the other person is finished with their thought before beginning yours)

4. Know your bodies' needs and ensure that you are meeting its stimulus threshold, specifically for those that struggle with symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I KNOW that you have seen those fidget spinners in the hands of school-aged children. Perhaps you have even been hit by one flying surreptitiously through the air. Whether you use a nondescript item, such as a pen with a moveable thumb grip or a hair tie around your wrist that can be continuously bungeed, you are consciously increasing the stimuli around you which may enable you to remain present. 

Let us model for others how to gift our attention to what truly matters... each other. Good luck in your efforts!

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist 

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Shame and Guilt: The directives of our social selves.

3/31/2017

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​So, what exactly is the difference? The terms are often used interchangeably.  However, there are some core differences that help us to clearly identify their origin when we feel that these painful emotions are creating unhealthy dysfunction in our lives.
 
Shame is a projection of disappointment from other people in your social system. This is a natural deterrent for unapproved behaviors from an individual, as it decays one’s position in their social hierarchy. In contrast, Guilt is an internally driven emotion, substantiated by conflict between your behavioral actions and core values or morals. Shame is dependent on the opinions of others’ and is often related to an observable consequence. Guilt builds off of one’s developed moral and ethical code of conduct. Both concepts are associated with one another closely and both require an inherent sense of empathy to be present.
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                       As per Dictionary.com
SHAME
noun
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another:
 
GUILT
noun
2.
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
The anthropological tellings of “Never in Anger” authored by Jean L. Briggs focuses on the social norms and expectations of an Inuit Eskimo community, the Utku. As an anthropologist, Briggs sought to immerse herself into the culture, finding it difficult to adapt to the social avoidance of Anger, which was seen as a shameful lack of self-control. Deviations from the social norm are adjusted and molded by implementation of shame and guilt. In this narrative, members were physically and emotionally ostracized, shamed for their disregard of systemic rules (presenting with a lack of strict emotional regulation). This reinforced conformity in the system, thus strengthening the efficacy of using shame and guilt as behavioral modification tools in society. 

What culture(s) do you personally connect with and in what ways do Shame or Guilt drive you to unite with the rules and expectations of your external environment?

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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The Development and Understanding of Sexual Identity

2/23/2017

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Sexual identity is NOT synonymous with the physical sex of a person, particularly if one’s sex differs from their identified gender orientation. It is more than just who we prefer to become intimate with and how we prefer the intimacy: sexual identity is comprised of many things, not excluding sexual preferences for physical, emotional, spiritual fulfillment, and how we give and receive support and closeness from others, often of which is intertwined with political views, lifestyle interests, and closeness with a sexualized (or non-sexualized) community. Regarding sexuality, and specifically Feminist constructs of sexuality, in addition to behavioral components of the sexual identity, it is vital to review “element[s] of the self-conscious, reflective and reasoning power and emotional response” (Bristow, 1997, p.143).  ​
" We all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves."
                                  - Stephanie P. Bathurst

​Many professionals in the field of direct human services (sociologists, anthropologists and psychologists) reject the dichotomous view of gender, in that the similarities between men and women significantly outweigh their differences (Epstein, 1988; Gerson, 1990; West & Zimmerman, 1991). There is more to a person’s sexual identity than just the labeling of their gender/expression, gender role, or sexual orientation. How is it evolved over time and through experience? Identity development is often molded through social pressure and expectation, modeling of relational structures and presentation of cultural norms in each individual’s environment. Societal and environmental processes mentioned above are some of the components that are more learnable as the events can facilitate or impede acquisitional processes through attentional, representational, productional, and motivational means (Bandura, 1999). This unique recipe for identity development enables individuation and creativity, and concurrently presents availability for discrimination and conformity. Humanistic concepts of curiosity, adventure, pleasure, comfort, exploration of erogenous zones, and physical developments during puberty all play a significant role in the attunement and application of sexual identity in oneself. ​​
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Where does sexuality have a place in your personal identity? Do you feel that your externalized sexual-self, the self that is observed by others, and the internalized sexual-self, the self that aligns with your beliefs, values, needs and fulfillment, are cohesive entities? To have differences in one’s ideal self and their real self creates an inherent inner conflict within the subconscious that likely will present in emotional or psychological symptomology. To reduce the disruption created by this rift, it is vital to prioritize self-discovery and exploration; permit the freedom to present your most authentic sexual self. 
In an effort to encourage systemic and global perspectives in the realm of sexual theory, self-exploration is equally as vital as the permittance and acceptance of others’ exploration in their search for authenticity. As long as safety and consent are present in all explorative journeys, we all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves. ​​

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

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Another New Beginning... Let's Make it Last!

1/1/2017

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Ah, the New Year begins. January is a month filled with adrenaline-driven goals for a year of more success, love, and fulfillment than the previous. We are all so eager to jot down our top 3 goals for 2016 in hopes that placing all of our energy in them initially will make these tasks more sustainable. Then what happens? Life.

How can we use this extraordinary momentum that we have in the start of the New Year and stretch it out, allowing our once fizzled goals of previous New Years to come alive again, to show promise of change and evolution? Here are my three recommendations on making New Year resolutions more achievable.
                
                    1. Instead of settling for 1 goal that takes a long time to accomplish (over 3 months), chunk it into multiple, shorter goals. This will allow you to give yourself some extra reinforcement during your journey (that day off of work, that piece of clothing you've had your eye on, or that chocolate pie in your refrigerator). These "mini-breaks" will lessen the stress on your mind and give you opportunity to be proud of yourself.
                    2. Be realistic. Resolutions should be individualized to you in every way possible. Whatever your reason for invoking change in your life, the process needs to be fitted to who you are, what you know your limits to be and how do-able the tasks you set for yourself are. Be kind. This is a New Year so start it off by loving who you are and respecting what your mind, body and emotional well-being can handle. 
                    3. Make it fun! Delve into your creative juices and find any way to make this goal less grueling and more exciting. Are you competitive? Ask a friend or significant other to join and see who can reach their goal first, encouraging each other along the way. Are you motivated by positive feedback? Create a blog or journal about your adventure and invite those you care about to follow. Like to be wild and let loose? Complete your adventure doing something silly, such as wearing a tutu while running in the 5 K you signed up for. 

Whatever your resolution, remember to prioritize your health and happiness. Welcoming 2016 with open arms and sending positivity and well-wishes to all of you dreamers out there. Happy New Year!

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapy
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Care to be Civil.

11/10/2016

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​What does it mean to be civilized? We have a tendency to believe that displays of theoretical intelligence and normalizing complex living systems made for physical convenience makes us more advanced than other societies; that our chosen lifestyle is “better” than traditional agriculturally based lifestyles. Through our evolution we have in this process lost the most important aspects from these traditional ways of living that once provided fulfillment and purpose. There is an undoubted sense of simplicity when our exerted energy and hard work has a direct and observable impact, providing a tangible source of accomplishment and reinforcement.
PicturePicture from: http://www.bellaretreats.com/nicaragua-surf-and-yoga-retreat/
​What does it mean to be civilized? We have a tendency to believe that displays of theoretical intelligence and normalizing complex living systems made for physical convenience makes us more advanced than other societies; that our chosen lifestyle is “better” than traditional agriculturally based lifestyles. Through our evolution we have in this process lost the most important aspects from these traditional ways of living that once provided fulfillment and purpose. There is an undoubted sense of simplicity when our exerted energy and hard work has a direct and observable impact, providing a tangible source of accomplishment and reinforcement.
 
Related Self-Disclosure:
I recently traveled to a village in Nicaragua with loved ones. While walking around in the Village of Popoyo, I was surprised by my awareness of a natural sense of security. Upon reflection, this security was reinforced by the way strangers (both locals and travelers) would acknowledge your presence with eye contact and wave, despite having no compatible source of verbal communication, no known connective source other than the mere fact that we are both human. The security was furthered by the collective care of others including livestock: cats, dogs, cows, horses. Beach bonfires, restaurants and bars held a sense of tranquility when the animals that wandered in were treated like family and strangers were invited to join. Community is a strong sense of value that I fear has been lost in our misled journey to become the “most civilized”.
 
Perhaps we deceptively call ourselves more civilized as a self-sustaining defense mechanism to the truth: We are becoming more connected with technology and caring for hierarchically-created concepts of power, money and reputation than our own human species. This truth is in juxtaposition to our self-preserving claim of being “the most civilized”. I encourage us all to take a mental and physical step backward to self-reflect into what we find meaning in and how we provide purpose to our lives.
 
Food for Processing: Is our wealth-driven lifestyle creating disconnect between nature and our own intrinsic life, and if so, in what regards does this impact our own purpose and meaning in this very complex and confusing world?
" When we care for ourselves genuinely and fundamentally, we are better able to care for others. When we care for others, we can care for our systems. This innately makes us civilized. "
                          -Stephanie P. Bathurst

​Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist
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The Adult Coloring Page Bandwagon... Do you really know?

10/21/2016

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I am sure by now you have experienced the trending of Mandala's, also called Adult Coloring Books, Therapeutic Coloring and Zen Art. For those of you who find this activity cathartic and helpful in regulating anxiety, sadness, irritation, etc., I have included a link below to a website that provides a plethora of FREE pages to download and color. But before you mindlessly immerse yourself into another page, travel back in time with me to discover the true meaning behind this ancient meditative practice.

   * For those who haven’t drank the coloring book Kool-Aid, let’s see if understanding the true purpose behind the original application of this activity sparks your interest.
FREE Page Downloads!
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Mandalas have been used for centuries as an enlightenment tool to practice meditation and attempt to achieve enlightenment, often involving religious or spiritual deities in the core of their art to connect with divine energies. 

As comparable to many American activities that have been adapted from other cultures, a significant portion of the activity has been lost, thus changing the true intent behind it. It is so often that I hear of Mandala pages being posted on walls as beautiful trophies to display the energy and time spent into the project. In this, I can understand the intrinsic nature to hold tightly onto something that provides you a sense of accomplishment and pride.

In contrast to the Americanized display of art, Tibetan monks routinely deconstruct every breath-taking and ornate Mandala they spend days/ weeks/ months creating. WHY?! I am immediately questioned by clients who are shocked by my explanation of this part of the ancient practice. Well, we are not supposed to be dependent on our physical creations and material objects for our sense of fulfillment and pride. The traditional deconstruction of each Mandala symbolizes the impermanent nature of existence  in this physical world that we thrive and survive in. 

Mind blown? Not understanding the big deal? I encourage you to test the waters. Click the above link and pick out a very personalized Adult Coloring page: one that will consume your time, energy and mind through completion. Focus only on the devotion to this page until it is finished. Spend 5-10 minutes appreciating your beautiful work and the degree of spiritual energy put into this piece of art. After your appreciation time is finished, safely deconstruct the page (feel free to get creative by tearing it into pieces, allowing it to dissolve in a sink of water, burning the page in a fireplace). While watching the physicality of your fulfillment dissolve, remain aware of your emotional connection to it. If you find yourself feeling low, sinking or a void of the contentment you previously felt, it may be a sign that you are too dependent on the physical embodiments around you for your own self-worth and fulfillment. 

Good luck in your practice and thanks for joining me on this journey of comparison, history and focus on self-awareness! 

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
                                                                                                 (https://www.asia.si.edu/exhibitions/online/mandala/mandala.htm)
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How To:       Positive Affirmation and Mantras

7/20/2016

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The Mantra that is chanted in the below video is :         Aum Namah Shivaya
Please review this  example of a mantra prior to reading the below blog entry in order to gain a comprehensive perspective on the peaceful and therapeutic qualities of Positive Affirmations and Mantras. ​
This practice isn't just for those Yogi's out there, although this would fit well into their already spiritual practices. Positive Affirmations and Mantras are different in their contextual nature, however, they both serve a similar purpose: to regulate the inner self and act as a self-prescribed (and readily available) grounding tool. 

Historically speaking, the word Mantra is Sanskrit for "a group of words believed to have psychological and spiritual powers." Often used in religious-based chants, the name of spiritual deities are applied to imbue peace, regulation, safety, and enlightenment. In my own clinical practice, I have assisted clients in personalizing these grounding tools for emotional regulation, self-empowerment, clarifying their intent and choices prior to acting and use as a personal cue to redirect a maladaptive thought.
MANTRA EXAMPLE
Mantra: "I do"...which can be personalized to any range of similar sounds in order to trigger it's attached meaning. 
Positive Affirmation: "I do care about myself and my safety"

Both of the above examples are focused on conscious narrative reframe and absorption. The repetition of these two grounding tools are just as important to their efficacy as the meaning behind them.

SCIENCE TALK:   The repetitive nature feeds your "Reptilian Brain" (brain stem - I.e. our survival instincts and limited cognition). Once the Reptilian Brain is fed and settled, it allows us access to our higher brain power, such as the PreFrontal Cortex. Think of it as a dam to the part of our brain that allows us to consider all available options and allows our behavior to be premeditated instead of reactionary. Once we empty the dam (Our Reptilian Brain) via coping mechanisms and grounding tools, we are able to walk through it to the Newer Brain. 

I bet your asking yourself, "Do I really have to chant aloud?!" The answer is No...however, I do find that Mantra and Positive Affirmation tools are more effective with verbalization. With the vibrational stimulation that is created with the repetition of your chosen word/ phrase assists in de-escalation and relaxation = The physical stimuli strengthens your internal dialogue. See, there is a reason for those extreme Yogi's who chant loudly, while rocking back and forth repetitively.    

I invite you to create your own personal Mantra or Positive Affirmation. Give it a try and trust the process. Good luck!
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​A helpful reference for the description and use of Mantra and Positive Affirmations can be viewed at http://www.lifecoachexpert.co.uk/exploring-mantra-positive-affirmations.html, which contains an article authored by LifeCoach Anna Martin. 
​
Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
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Bodhi - The Awakened State of Mind

6/16/2016

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I want to share with you some internal dialogue that I feel is relatable to so many inner conflicts we all struggle with at times. 

A favored book of mine, Chop Wood, Carry Water, authored by Rick Fields, et al., describes spirituality in the sense of finding your true self. The book reveals that all too often we are stopped from beginning a journey of self-discovery / spiritual awakening out of the emotional discomfort spawned by uncertainty of the future. Discomfort of the unknown prevents us from positive change and personal growth. So in response, I ask you:

What comes first: The chicken or the egg? Ah, the age old question. 

In this case, do you need to already be on the track of the journey to feel prepared to begin, or do you need to begin the journey without fully understanding it? Most excuses for remaining in existential "ruts" and accepting unhappiness is because a person believes that in order to start something, you need to be fully prepared.

People feel discouraged by beginnings. Whether it be positive or negative change that the beginning invoke, the change itself causes emotional discomfort. In our society, we have been misled to believe that at the first sight of discomfort or negative emotion (a pit in our stomach, redness in the face, anxiety causing us to sweat), we are doing something wrong and need to run backwards to "safety". Incorrect. We are animals at our core and our basic instincts behave as such. Discomfort does NOT always = BAD. It simply means that our body is physiologically preparing for the possibility of battle (Worst case scenario preparation = Survival skills). Without the (sometimes blind) beginning, there can be no journey. Focus your energy onto accepting the discomfort in your body because all it is telling you is that you are changing. It is up to you whether you make changes toward a healthier, happier and more content You. 

To those stern skeptics out there who are asking: How do you begin something or understand something without experiencing it first? I respond with this. Conversely, how can this impossible feat, the one of fully understanding something, be a stipulation for awakening your mind/body/ spirit and finding who you are? If what you are waiting for as a base to find yourself is being able to fully comprehend all of life's complexities, you will wait indefinitely. As mentioned above, we are only human. 

Hoping this food for thought has sparked something inside. Feel free to comment and I will return any questions you may have. Health and happiness. 

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapy

                  * A link to Chop Wood, Carry Water is attached to the picture above if you
​                               would like to purchase as a start to your own journey. *
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The Taboo Exam...

3/23/2016

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I recently had a discussion with someone about the need for an STI check-up (Sexually Transmitted Infection). The debate centered on the need for a "down there" talk and test with your doctor after each new intimate partner, especially when engaged with multiple partners. I was asked if it was okay to gauge one's sexual health by the negative test of a partner's STI exam. The logic being "if she was tested and is clear, I must be, too." 
 
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The conversation ended in me pleading, "please, please, get checked yourself!" Why, you may ask, should you both make a trip to the doctors office, pay that $15 co-pay each time you wrestle in the sheets with someone new? 
            1. Lab results occasionally misread. They are not a specific science and are based off of blood, saliva and urine samples taken from your doctor. Better to have the peace of mind that both of you are negative than assume all is good. 
               2. Some infections, such as Chlamydia, can take months until a warning sign appears after being infected and by then it could have spread across the body. 
              3. Assuming that your new partner's word-of-mouth is accurate leads you vulnerable. What if they assumed a previous partner's word-of-mouth assurance of an STI free check-up and used this as a basis for being STI free? Now you both may be in danger....Hmmm. Things to ponder.

Never stop enjoying each other and sharing life's passion with those that intrigue and fascinate you. But please be safe about this. Safety (using protection, getting your annual Pap and STI tests) ensures that you have many more years of adventurous fun to come!

For more information on which annual checks are necessary for certain people, check out this link from the Mayo Clinic.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/in-depth/std-testing/art-20046019

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
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Empty Nest Syndrome

2/17/2016

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A couple's empty nest; the time when all of the kids fly out into the world and the once busied household is silenced. This is a life-stage in a relationship when each partner is forced to adapt BACK to a time when they only had each other to focus on, talk to, emotionally connect with and humor.  The distraction of kids significantly lessens, leaving either contentment in a couple that has been able to maintain their coupldom, or leaving awkward confusion in a couple who has lost each other along the way of raising children.

This is a highly emotional stage, met with mixed emotions and potential straining on the parental relationship. Often, I find that this period is perceived as sad, a loss of familial closeness and sometimes a realization that you have lost how to be a partner and not merely a co-parent. Let's try a re-frame of the situation for a more positive and future-oriented thinking pattern.

Saying goodbye to a cycle in your life, especially one as big as a household filled with bustling kids, is sad. We need to accept the ending of this stage, and the uncomfortable emotion that comes along with it. While coping with this loss, ruminate on the positive aspects.

Life has given you and your partner time to reconnect and re-discover each other. Walk around the house naked, try out that adventurous curry chicken recipe for date night, be spontaneous together! Conversations will slowly cease being monopolized by the adventures of your kids, but rather your own adventures you take with your partner. You have entered into a new phase in your life. In this, you can watch your kids grow into independent adults as your relationship begins to flourish with the attention you now have time to give it.
 
Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
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Without Words

10/23/2015

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How many ways are there to communicate our happiness, comfort, contentment, distaste, disappointment? Pick the emotion that is most prominent in your head right now. Now try to verbalize this emotion in as little words as possible. How many did you use to express yourself?

The trick: 0 words. All too often, we forget our natural ability to emotionally communicate through para-language. This could be anything from a single raised eyebrow, the slight downward turn at the edge of your lip or the crossing of your arms in a guarded manner. Of these inconspicuous facial features or obvious body movements, a thousands words can be "said" within a millisecond of pure silence.

The key to using this language to convey to others how you feel in a situation and the trick to using this self-projective language to gain insight into ourselves better is to practice our awareness. Practicing and using your own awareness of these experiences can allow you to understand your own emotions at a deeper level, being able to connect them to specific triggers. Awareness also helps to prevent miscommunications from occurring between others. For example, say I was walking in a department store aisle with a friend. When my friend was in the middle of an important conversation about her significant other, a stranger bumps into me and doesn't say excuse me. When my friend turns to check-in with me at the end of her story, she assumes my now annoyed facial expression is in response to her, causing a conversational drift between she and I. If I were aware of my change in affect when the stranger bumped into me, I would adjust my furrowed brows and tensed shoulders before engaging in the conversation with my friend.

Awareness of the language we project onto others, even when we don't say a single word, is vital for healthy communication.
 
Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
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    Author

    As a Marriage and Family Therapist, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.
     
    I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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