Thinking about opening up your relationship? Before you do, I encourage a reflection between you and your current, primary partner as to the intent. Jumping into a non-traditional relationship structure for the first time can be an exhilarating and joining experience for you both…   If it is done healthily and with preparation. I can not tell you how many new client have entered into therapy with the catalyst being a poorly constructed opening of the relationship.  To enter into consensual non-monogamy without proper attention to how, why, and in what way can ultimately lead to feelings of betrayal and infidelity.

When we start this journey off with healthy and positive intent, we have such higher probability of success. Reasons NOT to enter into an open relationship at this time:

• I am no longer interested in my partner and am looking for someone else to have sex with.  
• My partner and I are having serious relationship difficulties and think that bringing in a “spark” will help.
• I am feeling angry or hurt and want my partner to feel as hurt as I am.

​If any of these are present, please seek out a Couple Therapist to help repair the dyadic relationship FIRST. When stable, together you can look through the attached contract questionnaire to get started in enjoying the fruits of consensual non-monogamy.

I have been working on the formulation of a Energy Theory for Relationships that affirms the significance of HOW energy within a relational system is dissemination as the primary identifier of a successful relationship rather than HOW MANY persons are included in the romantic system. [Dissertation and Book to come]. For now, I will shared some brief insight. Energy comes in a variance of forms (please reference Chapman’s theory on The 5 Love Languages, Gottman's Forms of Betrayal, and Berman's book Quantum Love). The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment. This energy exchange IS NOT exclusively dependent on the presence of an additional dyad in the system.

For those of you who have read my article on Repair from Infidelity, this statement will sound familiar. An infidelity is ANYTHING that drains vital energy from the dyadic relationship. To prevent a non-traditional relationship structure from being experienced as an infidelity, it requires us to be mindful and conscientious of how we allocate our energy to each partner(s). This mindfulness of energy exchange can be solidified in a therapeutic and transparent way through the review of my Open Relationship Contract Questionnaire, breaking down the process into 3 vital components: Boundaries, Safety, Communication. All of you Kinksters out there will connect with this last bit. Consent, Consent, Consent. There should be no secrecy, no shame, no judgement when entering into a new structure together. 

When we are healthy and stable individuals, we can then create a healthy and stable system. This system should absolutely include exploration and excitement. For some, that goes beyond monogamy. And for them, that is wonderful!

First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue:  Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
           I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for               this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.
 
How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need     “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I                       will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want    “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel                          disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Emotional defense mechanisms are like brick walls. They don’t discriminate about what they keep out. Your shield, may very well serve the purpose of keeping out hurt or pain but it simultaneously keeps out opportunities for attachment, care and love. This defense likely served a valuable function at one point in your life, protecting you in a situation that was perceived to be threatening. The presence of these built-in protective shields become problematic when they are continued out of habit rather than necessity. These emotional walls can often become unconsciously attached with your identity and cause you to detach from relationships or isolate from life experiences even in conflict with personal goals. Some may never have created an adaptive mechanism and feel overwhelmed by chaotic social environments, high-intensity work experiences, confrontation with another person and even emotionally intense movies. These are often Introverts or Empaths (people with high emotionally intelligence).  

For those who absorb other people’s negativity or emotion and need to build up their emotional boundary for personal health, visualizing a shield, of sorts, can make concrete your emotional boundary. If you consider yourself to be an Empath this skill is VITAL to your own emotional grounding and in preventing burnout. I encourage my clients to personalize this activity to ensure efficacy of intervention. Make it your own!

Example 1: Imagine a superhero shield. When you feel like you need to deflect the negativity that someone else is trying to throw at you, place the palms of your hands up slightly. As you flex your hands, imagine this invisible shield switching on. It acts as a mirror, causing any negative emotion or comment to bounce right back at the person projecting it toward you.

Example 2: Have you ever seen Harry Potter? Remember the scene where Voldemort and Dumbledore battle in the Ministry of Magic? Dumbledore protects himself from thrown shattered glass by creating a shield. In this shield, anything that passes through is morphed into soft sand and rendered harmless. Use your finger as a wand when you want to implement this skill (a finger moving is inconspicuous in public and the physical cue can help formalize the shield visualization for your brain).

For those who have developed too rigid of a boundary with others and want to break down those bricks to connect again, reflect on people or environments that you can rationally identify as “safe”. Example 1: When ready, imagine stepping through this removed space of your environment and into open air. Join the world. Your brain has gotten so good at compartmentalizing that making a choice to join the present moment in your mental and emotional entirety will likely feel very uncomfortable. When you consciously bring down your emotional shield, do you feel lost, vulnerable or naked? The discomfort is temporary. The more you practice this skill and gain control, the associated anxiety of the unfamiliar will dissipate (I swear).

As with most concepts in the therapeutic context, we seek healthy moderation. Having an ability to turn on those protective walls in a future threatening situation can be a useful tool in keeping you safe. Having control of the emotional fluidity between you and your outside social environment can help you connect on a deeper level with those you care for. Moderation can help us remain safe while still prioritizing our quality of life.
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Good luck in your practice of healthy emotional boundaries! 

​Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt. 

We live in an attention economy.  Have you ever been engaged in conversation with someone and either their focus was split with another attention-consuming commodity or their attention was prioritized by another task perceivably more exciting or fulfilling than your present conversation? Everyday as a therapist, I am met with the upset of a partner, friend or family member who feels that their importance in the world of their loved ones has been stolen by television, gossip magazines, or that toss-a-ball-at-a-can app that seems to zombify any participant. The marketing ploys of today's attention economy feed instant gratification and short-term adrenaline... but at the expense of developing and sustaining long-term social attachments and healthy communication skills. Regain the power of where / who / what you gift your attention to. Make sure that this energy loss is a voluntary choice and of benefit to you.  

Do you choose to make a conscious effort to stay present? If so, have you tried (to no avail) and what more can you do?

1. Practice Mindfulness. There are many forms of mindfulness. Try to focus on the experience of the now; what is going on around you and how your body is absorbing and responding to that energy. 

2. In social situations, practice staying present by trying the following tips. If you find your eyes glazing over and becoming blurry/ unfocused during conversation with someone, periodically shift your gaze from their left eye to the middle of their nose to their right eye and back. You can also try reading their lips to connect with the words you hear throughout conversation. This forces your vision to constantly adapt and focus on your preferred target. 

3. Practice Active Listening Techniques. These are communication tools that reinforce healthy processing and response:
- Empathy   (Understanding how the person may feel in their own experience)
- Validation  (Affirming that the person's own perspective is always valid... even if you do not agree with it)
- Mirroring   (Direct reflection back of what they said)
- Paraphrasing or Summarizing    (A chunked review of their expression)
- Switching     (Asking if the other person is finished with their thought before beginning yours)

4. Know your bodies' needs and ensure that you are meeting its stimulus threshold, specifically for those that struggle with symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I KNOW that you have seen those fidget spinners in the hands of school-aged children. Perhaps you have even been hit by one flying surreptitiously through the air. Whether you use a nondescript item, such as a pen with a moveable thumb grip or a hair tie around your wrist that can be continuously bungeed, you are consciously increasing the stimuli around you which may enable you to remain present. 

Let us model for others how to gift our attention to what truly matters... each other. Good luck in your efforts!

​Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

The Mantra that is chanted in the below video is :         Aum Namah Shivaya
Please review this  example of a mantra prior to reading the below blog entry in order to gain a comprehensive perspective on the peaceful and therapeutic qualities of Positive Affirmations and Mantras. ​

How many ways are there to communicate our happiness, comfort, contentment, distaste, disappointment? Pick the emotion that is most prominent in your head right now. Now try to verbalize this emotion in as little words as possible. How many did you use to express yourself?

The trick: 0 words. All too often, we forget our natural ability to emotionally communicate through para-language. This could be anything from a single raised eyebrow, the slight downward turn at the edge of your lip or the crossing of your arms in a guarded manner. Of these inconspicuous facial features or obvious body movements, a thousands words can be "said" within a millisecond of pure silence.

The key to using this language to convey to others how you feel in a situation and the trick to using this self-projective language to gain insight into ourselves better is to practice our awareness. Practicing and using your own awareness of these experiences can allow you to understand your own emotions at a deeper level, being able to connect them to specific triggers. Awareness also helps to prevent miscommunications from occurring between others. For example, say I was walking in a department store aisle with a friend. When my friend was in the middle of an important conversation about her significant other, a stranger bumps into me and doesn't say excuse me. When my friend turns to check-in with me at the end of her story, she assumes my now annoyed facial expression is in response to her, causing a conversational drift between she and I. If I were aware of my change in affect when the stranger bumped into me, I would adjust my furrowed brows and tensed shoulders before engaging in the conversation with my friend.

Awareness of the language we project onto others, even when we don't say a single word, is vital for healthy communication.
 
Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist