At first glance, these words seem in opposition of one another. And in a healthy system, they are. So why do we, in normative culture, make romanticized expressions of love that glorify possession as a sort of rite of passage within a relationship? A healthy union does not rely solely on commitment or obligation to one another. Wouldn’t you prefer to wake up every day knowing that your partner chooses to be with you all over again? Try out these narrative reframes and see how they feel differently for you:
“They are mine and I am theirs.”
Instead, let’s try, “They choose to be mine and I choose to be theirs.”
“As a spouse, I am entitled to my partner’s time.”
Instead, let’s try, “I want to spend time with my partner.”
“It’s my duty to have sex when my partner is interested.”
Instead, let’s try, “I enjoy experiencing intimacy with my partner.”
Instead, let’s try, “They choose to be mine and I choose to be theirs.”
“As a spouse, I am entitled to my partner’s time.”
Instead, let’s try, “I want to spend time with my partner.”
“It’s my duty to have sex when my partner is interested.”
Instead, let’s try, “I enjoy experiencing intimacy with my partner.”
We do not have an inherent right for ownership over another human being. In the same regard, we do not have the power to change, fix, heal or control another person (although we can express a degree of impact). The use of possessive language manipulates our expectations of another and builds feelings of jealousy out of these unreasonable expectations, as there is inevitable disappointment or loss associated with the repetitious let-down.
I invite us all to embrace personal choice and freedom in our relationships. This requires consciously releasing the rigidity of commitment, at least in the context that our societal history of oppression and hierarchy have shaped. Be mindful of the way that you are organically processing and absorbing your definition of commitment in your own relationship. Are there inadvertent signs of possession in your narrative? The good thing: What is learned, can be unlearned. YOU have the power and the ability to re-write your own narrative of love.
When you have an intention toward change, you create opportunity for it to come to fruition. 1. Develop awareness, 2. Identify your intention and 3. Invoke positive change for yourself.
I invite us all to embrace personal choice and freedom in our relationships. This requires consciously releasing the rigidity of commitment, at least in the context that our societal history of oppression and hierarchy have shaped. Be mindful of the way that you are organically processing and absorbing your definition of commitment in your own relationship. Are there inadvertent signs of possession in your narrative? The good thing: What is learned, can be unlearned. YOU have the power and the ability to re-write your own narrative of love.
When you have an intention toward change, you create opportunity for it to come to fruition. 1. Develop awareness, 2. Identify your intention and 3. Invoke positive change for yourself.
Author
Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist
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