 | Have you... Recommitted to a partner after an infidelity? Been in a relationship for a while and feel more platonically than romantically connected to your partner? Recently entered into a new relationship after having been hurt by a previous partner? |
If any of the above hit home for you, you may be struggling with wanting to desire your partner but being unable to tap into the desire itself.
In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.
First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).
In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.
First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).
Our bodies are made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment.
Stephanie P. Bathurst
Second, heal and reprocess any history of physical or sexual trauma with a trained professional. It is critical that you heal from the suffering of past pain and diffuse your subconscious defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are ingrained survivalist tendencies but they will ALWAYS prioritize self-protection higher than relational connection.
Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli. We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.
Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire.
Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli. We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.
Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire.
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Author
Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist
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