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All I want is your time.

7/4/2017

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Picturephoto credit: dmitryzhkov DR150904_0936D via photopin (license)
We live in an attention economy.  Have you ever been engaged in conversation with someone and either their focus was split with another attention-consuming commodity or their attention was prioritized by another task perceivably more exciting or fulfilling than your present conversation? Everyday as a therapist, I am met with the upset of a partner, friend or family member who feels that their importance in the world of their loved ones has been stolen by television, gossip magazines, or that toss-a-ball-at-a-can app that seems to zombify any participant. The marketing ploys of today's attention economy feed instant gratification and short-term adrenaline... but at the expense of developing and sustaining long-term social attachments and healthy communication skills. Regain the power of where / who / what you gift your attention to. Make sure that this energy loss is a voluntary choice and of benefit to you.  

Do you choose to make a conscious effort to stay present? If so, have you tried (to no avail) and what more can you do?

1. Practice Mindfulness. There are many forms of mindfulness. Try to focus on the experience of the now; what is going on around you and how your body is absorbing and responding to that energy. 

2. In social situations, practice staying present by trying the following tips. If you find your eyes glazing over and becoming blurry/ unfocused during conversation with someone, periodically shift your gaze from their left eye to the middle of their nose to their right eye and back. You can also try reading their lips to connect with the words you hear throughout conversation. This forces your vision to constantly adapt and focus on your preferred target. 

3. Practice Active Listening Techniques. These are communication tools that reinforce healthy processing and response:
- Empathy   (Understanding how the person may feel in their own experience)
- Validation  (Affirming that the person's own perspective is always valid... even if you do not agree with it)
- Mirroring   (Direct reflection back of what they said)
- Paraphrasing or Summarizing    (A chunked review of their expression)
- Switching     (Asking if the other person is finished with their thought before beginning yours)

4. Know your bodies' needs and ensure that you are meeting its stimulus threshold, specifically for those that struggle with symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I KNOW that you have seen those fidget spinners in the hands of school-aged children. Perhaps you have even been hit by one flying surreptitiously through the air. Whether you use a nondescript item, such as a pen with a moveable thumb grip or a hair tie around your wrist that can be continuously bungeed, you are consciously increasing the stimuli around you which may enable you to remain present. 

Let us model for others how to gift our attention to what truly matters... each other. Good luck in your efforts!


Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist 

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How To:       Positive Affirmation and Mantras

7/20/2016

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The Mantra that is chanted in the below video is :         Aum Namah Shivaya
Please review this  example of a mantra prior to reading the below blog entry in order to gain a comprehensive perspective on the peaceful and therapeutic qualities of Positive Affirmations and Mantras. ​
This practice isn't just for those Yogi's out there, although this would fit well into their already spiritual practices. Positive Affirmations and Mantras are different in their contextual nature, however, they both serve a similar purpose: to regulate the inner self and act as a self-prescribed (and readily available) grounding tool. 

Historically speaking, the word Mantra is Sanskrit for "a group of words believed to have psychological and spiritual powers." Often used in religious-based chants, the name of spiritual deities are applied to imbue peace, regulation, safety, and enlightenment. In my own clinical practice, I have assisted clients in personalizing these grounding tools for emotional regulation, self-empowerment, clarifying their intent and choices prior to acting and use as a personal cue to redirect a maladaptive thought.
MANTRA EXAMPLE
Mantra: "I do"...which can be personalized to any range of similar sounds in order to trigger it's attached meaning. 
Positive Affirmation: "I do care about myself and my safety"

Both of the above examples are focused on conscious narrative reframe and absorption. The repetition of these two grounding tools are just as important to their efficacy as the meaning behind them.

SCIENCE TALK:   The repetitive nature feeds your "Reptilian Brain" (brain stem - I.e. our survival instincts and limited cognition). Once the Reptilian Brain is fed and settled, it allows us access to our higher brain power, such as the PreFrontal Cortex. Think of it as a dam to the part of our brain that allows us to consider all available options and allows our behavior to be premeditated instead of reactionary. Once we empty the dam (Our Reptilian Brain) via coping mechanisms and grounding tools, we are able to walk through it to the Newer Brain. 


I bet your asking yourself, "Do I really have to chant aloud?!" The answer is No...however, I do find that Mantra and Positive Affirmation tools are more effective with verbalization. With the vibrational stimulation that is created with the repetition of your chosen word/ phrase assists in de-escalation and relaxation = The physical stimuli strengthens your internal dialogue. See, there is a reason for those extreme Yogi's who chant loudly, while rocking back and forth repetitively.    

I invite you to create your own personal Mantra or Positive Affirmation. Give it a try and trust the process. Good luck!
​
​A helpful reference for the description and use of Mantra and Positive Affirmations can be viewed at http://www.lifecoachexpert.co.uk/exploring-mantra-positive-affirmations.html, which contains an article authored by LifeCoach Anna Martin. 
​
Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist
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Bodhi - The Awakened State of Mind

6/16/2016

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I want to share with you some internal dialogue that I feel is relatable to so many inner conflicts we all struggle with at times. 

A favored book of mine, Chop Wood, Carry Water, authored by Rick Fields, et al., describes spirituality in the sense of finding your true self. The book reveals that all too often we are stopped from beginning a journey of self-discovery / spiritual awakening out of the emotional discomfort spawned by uncertainty of the future. Discomfort of the unknown prevents us from positive change and personal growth. So in response, I ask you:

What comes first: The chicken or the egg? Ah, the age old question. 

In this case, do you need to already be on the track of the journey to feel prepared to begin, or do you need to begin the journey without fully understanding it? Most excuses for remaining in existential "ruts" and accepting unhappiness is because a person believes that in order to start something, you need to be fully prepared.

People feel discouraged by beginnings. Whether it be positive or negative change that the beginning invoke, the change itself causes emotional discomfort. In our society, we have been misled to believe that at the first sight of discomfort or negative emotion (a pit in our stomach, redness in the face, anxiety causing us to sweat), we are doing something wrong and need to run backwards to "safety". Incorrect. We are animals at our core and our basic instincts behave as such. Discomfort does NOT always = BAD. It simply means that our body is physiologically preparing for the possibility of battle (Worst case scenario preparation = Survival skills). Without the (sometimes blind) beginning, there can be no journey. Focus your energy onto accepting the discomfort in your body because all it is telling you is that you are changing. It is up to you whether you make changes toward a healthier, happier and more content You. 

To those stern skeptics out there who are asking: How do you begin something or understand something without experiencing it first? I respond with this. Conversely, how can this impossible feat, the one of fully understanding something, be a stipulation for awakening your mind/body/ spirit and finding who you are? If what you are waiting for as a base to find yourself is being able to fully comprehend all of life's complexities, you will wait indefinitely. As mentioned above, we are only human. 

Hoping this food for thought has sparked something inside. Feel free to comment and I will return any questions you may have. Health and happiness. 

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapy

                  * A link to Chop Wood, Carry Water is attached to the picture above if you
​                               would like to purchase as a start to your own journey. *

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    Author

    As a Marriage and Family Therapist, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.
     
    I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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