Category: Relationships

The Ins and Outs of Trust

11/2/2021

What is it? When you google the definition of trust, a word that is often used so globally and so simply becomes a bit more complex with the definitional inclusions of ‘character, ability, strength, or truth”. Trust is a characteristic and belief more so than it is a specific emotion, although most use it interchangeably to describe the way they feel (or don’t feel) towards another person.

Likely the reason why you are reading this: How do we (re)build it?

I will do my best to breakdown a largely subjective process into applicable and achievable goals. For some, Trust can be either earned or given from the start of a relationship. This philosophical difference is usually dictated by a person’s family-of-origin modeling, and what is familiar to them, as well as past relationships experience that has shaped their response in the now.

Trust can be shattered in a split second by decision and indecision / action or inaction, but to rebuild trust mandates time. The reason time is required is because rebuilding depends on the consistency of follow through with verbal promises made and subsequent observable actions to support the truth of those promises.
i.e. “Do what you say and say what you do”. If all is congruent, trust can rebuild!
Depending on the severity or repetition of betrayal, the extent of trust disintegration can vary greatly from completely compartmentalized to the area of injury and unaffecting other domains of the relationship (trusting that a partner will be present and supportive if you are physically ill but mistrusting that they won’t communicate inappropriately with a coworker), up to global mistrust that bleeds into all facets of one’s connection.

What is Means to be Trustworthy

If caring hurts too much, and for too long, humans turn to more drastic methods of self-preservation: apathy. As I frequently tell my clients, “Apathy is the antagonist of love… Once it is present, there is not a whole lot that therapeutic intervention can do to evoke reconnection.”

What if trust were a visible and tangible construct? Applying energy theory in relation to human biofields around the body, trust can look like rigid, frenetic lines close to the bodyline as to avoid coming into direct contact with the other person. This is often felt by a partner as coldness or distance even if physical proximity is pretty close.

An intuitive nature of trust is more than just, “do you believe the words they spoke?” 80% of our communication with each other is non-verbal (tonality, pace, subtle shifts in the musculature of the face, posture or body language, hand expression). If we leave a conversation doubting our partner, it may be from the nuanced or abnormal shifts in non-verbal communication even if we cannot pinpoint the reason why. This instance of mistrust, even if it is not based in known facts, still deeply affects an attachment between two (or more) people. We are all designed to be sensitive to the subtleties of a safe vs. unsafe environment. Whether it be the intuitive feeling of critical information being withheld (which triggers a fear response, as it puts us into a place of unknowing) or a complete falsification of information disclosed, we are naturally attuned to and deeply affected by these manifestations of emotional unsafety. At its core, this is mistrust.

"Apathy is the antagonist of Love"
- Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst

The best way to preserve the sanctity of your relationship is to communicate even when it feels uncomfortable or tense. Lying is guaranteed to damage your connection. Even without your partner knowing the content of a lie, secrecy is destructive and requires significant work on both ends to repair. Being a relationship specialist, it is my repeated experience that secrets don’t stay hidden indefinitely. Keep the line of communication open and prioritize follow-through on what you have said. You can do this!

Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT, CPLC

Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

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Developing an Effective Reparative Process [TUTORIAL]

7/18/2020

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Why have a Relationship First Aid Kit?

All romantic structures are comprised of individual beings who have their own unique personalities, beliefs and nuances. Because we, as our unique selves, are naturally imperfect, we create naturally imperfect systems that occasionally can erupt into tension and conflict. It is critical to the sustainability of the relationship that we have protocols in place to immediately and effectively re-connect and repair damage done to the connection. Without the inclusion of a reparative process after a tense, injurious or explosive exchange, resentment can quickly build and lead to intimacy loss.

Rule of Thumb: Aim to engage in repair as soon as all individuals have self-regulated. The longer you wait between the injurious moment and the repair technique, the less effective it may be. This rule of thumb is grounded in Behavioral Theory.
(Behavioral modification, such as reinforcement or consequence, is most effective when immediately following the redirected behavior).

What are the Basics?

Emotional Awareness. Each individual is responsible for managing their own awareness of rising emotional tension. There is a threshold to an escalation process. Each individual must be able to identify when they are just beginning to feel agitated and there is still time to diffuse conjointly.

Diffusive Techniques. These should be specially adapted to you and your partner(s) unique dynamic.
*See below for examples*

Shared Goal. Pre-determined and verbalized as a cue to redirect the escalation, this will be a source of anchoring for the partners when they may start fluttering into personal defenses and exchange of ammo. Effective shared goals should be fairly global rather than intensely specific, to be applied in multiple situations, and should also be relationship oriented. (i.e. "For us to work this issue out as a team so that we can get back to enjoying life together"). Once exchanged, this helps each partner shift perspective away from hyper-focus on the triggering situation itself and toward the health of the relationship as a whole.

Timeliness. It’s critical to catch an escalation exchange early. Once we reach a threshold where any party is emotionally dysregulated (when they are in a fight-flight-freeze mode), we are less likely to be able to reach the parts of our brain that access clear thinking, decision-making processes and future-oriented planning. This functional limitation prevents the continuation of the dialogue from being constructive.

Types of Diffusion Techniques

Playfulness (i.e. silly grins or “penguining” your arms while walking toward your partner) - If you and your partner find humor to be a connective force between you, this is a highly valuable technique. Together, discuss if there are any neutrally playful cues that you give to one another to bring about a smile.
- TIP: Avoid using sarcasm or any kind of intense tone fluctuation. Although the intention may be good in the moment, remember that things are already intense and may be more easily misinterpreted.
Physical Cues – These are pre-negotiated, neutral body movements that signify, "Uh oh, we are talking at each other and not with each other. Let's shift gears together to get back on track." These can be a waving of your hand as if to wave a white flag for truce, a peace sign, etc.
Physical Touch – Carefully discuss this with one another, as physical touch can further agitate or trigger those with sensory sensitivity and trauma history (i.e. sitting on a partner’s lap, bear hugs, facing together with knees and hands touching)
Emotion-Focused Dialogues – For those most responsive to verbal affirmation, giving the dialogue some much needed guidance that not only defines the roles of each partner (sender of information or receiver of information) to avoid engaging power dynamics, but also ensures the inclusion of active listening techniques that help the couple emotionally connect. Active listening techniques include affirming body language that you are hearing your partner, validation, empathy, paraphrasing or summarizing.
- TIP: EFT communication scripts are specifically designed to guide in re-connection

EFT Script Sample

Keep working together to build, refine and perfect your personalized reparative process. You and your relationship are worth it!

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT
Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Therapist

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I Want to Want to (I just don't know how)

11/24/2019

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Have you...
Recommitted to a partner after an infidelity?
Been in a relationship for a while and feel more platonically than romantically connected to your partner?
Recently entered into a new relationship after having been hurt by a previous partner?

If any of the above hit home for you, you may be struggling with wanting to desire your partner but being unable to tap into the desire itself.

In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.

First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).

Our bodies are made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment.
Stephanie P. Bathurst

Second, heal and reprocess any history of physical or sexual trauma with a trained professional. It is critical that you heal from the suffering of past pain and diffuse your subconscious defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are ingrained survivalist tendencies but they will ALWAYS prioritize self-protection higher than relational connection.

Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli. We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.

Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire.

Holistic Treatment - Low Libido
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The Role of Oxytocin in Relationships

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist

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Love & Possession

8/4/2019

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At first glance, these words seem in opposition of one another. And in a healthy system, they are. So why do we, in normative culture, make romanticized expressions of love that glorify possession as a sort of rite of passage within a relationship? A healthy union does not rely solely on commitment or obligation to one another. Wouldn’t you prefer to wake up every day knowing that your partner chooses to be with you all over again? Try out these narrative reframes and see how they feel differently for you:

“They are mine and I am theirs.”
Instead, let’s try, “They choose to be mine and I choose to be theirs.”

“As a spouse, I am entitled to my partner’s time.”
Instead, let’s try, “I want to spend time with my partner.”

“It’s my duty to have sex when my partner is interested.”
Instead, let’s try, “I enjoy experiencing intimacy with my partner.”

We do not have an inherent right for ownership over another human being. In the same regard, we do not have the power to change, fix, heal or control another person (although we can express a degree of impact). The use of possessive language manipulates our expectations of another and builds feelings of jealousy out of these unreasonable expectations, as there is inevitable disappointment or loss associated with the repetitious let-down.

I invite us all to embrace personal choice and freedom in our relationships. This requires consciously releasing the rigidity of commitment, at least in the context that our societal history of oppression and hierarchy have shaped. Be mindful of the way that you are organically processing and absorbing your definition of commitment in your own relationship. Are there inadvertent signs of possession in your narrative? The good thing: What is learned, can be unlearned. YOU have the power and the ability to re-write your own narrative of love.

When you have an intention toward change, you create opportunity for it to come to fruition. 1. Develop awareness, 2. Identify your intention and 3. Invoke positive change for yourself.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

4/26/2019

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When you think of the phrase Arousal Template, what do you think of? Well, when you search in google the predominant literature on arousal templates seem to be linked to Sex Addiction and recovery. Dr. Patrick Carnes originally defined a person's arousal template as a compilation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.

In an effort to model sex positivity in larger American culture, I want to challenge this tether between the construct of Arousal Templates and the limiting singular intention of treating sexual addiction. Arousal Template formulation can act to embrace the sexual enlightenment that can come from loving all that is you.

Let's make a choice to veer away from automatic pathology of sex. In my clinical belief, every human being has an inherent arousal template (we are, in fact, developed with evolutionary drives to procreate and belong to a group). The arousal template itself is a neutral entity. Could portions of it encapsulate unhealthy frameworks of sexuality or be partially built upon negative life experiences, such as sexual trauma or gender-shaming? Absolutely. And this is part of why identifying your own unique composition of arousal is so important. So that we can be mindful of our own needs, wants and limitations within and outside of the bedroom. And so that any partner(s) we may connect with have access to the information needed for showing respect to our needs, wants or limitations.

Let's formulate together. What comprises sexual / arousal templates?

- Philosophies of sexuality?
- Intriguing topics related to arousal?
- Known entities related to desire, arousal or orgasm?
- Preferred gender pronoun?
- Where do you lay on the sexual orientation spectrum?
- In what ways do you link sexuality with positivity (uplifting, pleasant emotional response) and in what ways do you link sexuality with negativity (heavy, unpleasant emotional response)?
- Your sexual history (memories that include sexuality, body form, “firsts”, etc)
- Religious or spiritual beliefs associated to sexuality?
- Presence of shame or guilt related to body form or sexual acts?
- What encourages you to tether sexual energy to one person / entity more than another?
- What turns you on or off?
- How much / in what way to you embody both masculine and feminine energy? What forms of energy do you seek in a sexual partner?
- What was modeled for you for affection in your family of origin?
- What role does sex play in your life? (i.e. How do you prioritize it with other life values? How much time do you choose to devote to it?)
- Beliefs on the use of sex toys, pornography, masturbatory aids?
- What is your preferred relationship structure? Why?

I hope that this activity sparked some reflection. It is impossible to communicate what we want / don't want to those that we connect with if we are unsure ourselves. This activity helps make your unique composition concrete enough to effectively verbalize. If you are celebrating life independently of a partner, this activity helps confirm the many aspects of your arousal template so that you can better love yourself in all of your unique glory. Enjoy yourselves and each other.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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Considering an Open Relationship?

11/5/2018

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Thinking about opening up your relationship? Before you do, I encourage a reflection between you and your current, primary partner as to the intent. Jumping into a non-traditional relationship structure for the first time can be an exhilarating and joining experience for you both… If it is done healthily and with preparation. I can not tell you how many new client have entered into therapy with the catalyst being a poorly constructed opening of the relationship. To enter into consensual non-monogamy without proper attention to how, why, and in what way can ultimately lead to feelings of betrayal and infidelity.

When we start this journey off with healthy and positive intent, we have such higher probability of success. Reasons NOT to enter into an open relationship at this time:

I am no longer interested in my partner and am looking for someone else to have sex with.
My partner and I are having serious relationship difficulties and think that bringing in a “spark” will help.
I am feeling angry or hurt and want my partner to feel as hurt as I am.

If any of these are present, please seek out a Couple Therapist to help repair the dyadic relationship FIRST. When stable, together you can look through the attached contract questionnaire to get started in enjoying the fruits of consensual non-monogamy.

The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment.
- Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT

I have been working on the formulation of a Energy Theory for Relationships that affirms the significance of HOW energy within a relational system is dissemination as the primary identifier of a successful relationship rather than HOW MANY persons are included in the romantic system. [Dissertation and Book to come]. For now, I will shared some brief insight. Energy comes in a variance of forms (please reference Chapman’s theory on The 5 Love Languages, Gottman's Forms of Betrayal, and Berman's book Quantum Love). The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment. This energy exchange IS NOT exclusively dependent on the presence of an additional dyad in the system.

For those of you who have read my article on Repair from Infidelity, this statement will sound familiar. An infidelity is ANYTHING that drains vital energy from the dyadic relationship. To prevent a non-traditional relationship structure from being experienced as an infidelity, it requires us to be mindful and conscientious of how we allocate our energy to each partner(s). This mindfulness of energy exchange can be solidified in a therapeutic and transparent way through the review of my Open Relationship Contract Questionnaire, breaking down the process into 3 vital components: Boundaries, Safety, Communication. All of you Kinksters out there will connect with this last bit. Consent, Consent, Consent. There should be no secrecy, no shame, no judgement when entering into a new structure together.

When we are healthy and stable individuals, we can then create a healthy and stable system. This system should absolutely include exploration and excitement. For some, that goes beyond monogamy. And for them, that is wonderful!

BFT Open Contract Questionnaire
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Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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What do you Need? What do you Want?

6/3/2018

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Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels

Each and every human is a remarkable biological creature. You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you are able to provide fulfillment to your partner. My practice's motto is “Get Back to the Basics”. Oh, how true this is. Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.

First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue: Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.

How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

9/1/2017

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Step 1 Find a Mediator

Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Step 2 Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths. In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “Do I stay or go?” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list, reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?"

Metaphor

When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3 Commitment

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions. The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.

When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships.

Other Forms of Betrayal

Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree.

Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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Author

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.

I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

The Ins and Outs of Trust

Likely the reason why you are reading this: How do we (re)build it?

What is Means to be Trustworthy

Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT, CPLC

Developing an Effective Reparative Process [TUTORIAL]

Author

I Want to Want to (I just don't know how)

Author

Love & Possession

Author

Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

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Considering an Open Relationship?

Author

What do you Need? What do you Want?

Author

I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

Step 1 Find a Mediator

Step 2 Affirm a Shared Direction

Step 3 Commitment

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