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Considering an Open Relationship?

11/5/2018

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Thinking about opening up your relationship? Before you do, I encourage a reflection between you and your current, primary partner as to the intent. Jumping into a non-traditional relationship structure for the first time can be an exhilarating and joining experience for you both…   If it is done healthily and with preparation. I can not tell you how many new client have entered into therapy with the catalyst being a poorly constructed opening of the relationship.  To enter into consensual non-monogamy without proper attention to how, why, and in what way can ultimately lead to feelings of betrayal and infidelity.

When we start this journey off with healthy and positive intent, we have such higher probability of success. Reasons NOT to enter into an open relationship at this time:
  • I am no longer interested in my partner and am looking for someone else to have sex with.  
  • My partner and I are having serious relationship difficulties and think that bringing in a “spark” will help.
  • I am feeling angry or hurt and want my partner to feel as hurt as I am.
​If any of these are present, please seek out a Couple Therapist to help repair the dyadic relationship FIRST. When stable, together you can look through the attached contract questionnaire to get started in enjoying the fruits of consensual non-monogamy.
The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment.
                                            - Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
I have been working on the formulation of a Energy Theory for Relationships that affirms the significance of HOW energy within a relational system is dissemination as the primary identifier of a successful relationship rather than HOW MANY persons are included in the romantic system. [Dissertation and Book to come]. For now, I will shared some brief insight. Energy comes in a variance of forms (please reference Chapman’s theory on The 5 Love Languages, Gottman's Forms of Betrayal, and Berman's book Quantum Love). The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment. This energy exchange IS NOT exclusively dependent on the presence of an additional dyad in the system.

For those of you who have read my article on Repair from Infidelity, this statement will sound familiar. An infidelity is ANYTHING that drains vital energy from the dyadic relationship. To prevent a non-traditional relationship structure from being experienced as an infidelity, it requires us to be mindful and conscientious of how we allocate our energy to each partner(s). This mindfulness of energy exchange can be solidified in a therapeutic and transparent way through the review of my Open Relationship Contract Questionnaire, breaking down the process into 3 vital components: Boundaries, Safety, Communication. All of you Kinksters out there will connect with this last bit. Consent, Consent, Consent. There should be no secrecy, no shame, no judgement when entering into a new structure together. 

When we are healthy and stable individuals, we can then create a healthy and stable system. This system should absolutely include exploration and excitement. For some, that goes beyond monogamy. And for them, that is wonderful!
BFT Open Contract Questionnaire
File Size: 20 kb
File Type: docx
Download File

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

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What do you Need? What do you Want?

6/3/2018

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Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels
Each and every human is a remarkable biological creature.  You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you are able to provide fulfillment to your partner. My practice's motto is “Get Back to the Basics”. Oh, how true this is. Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.
First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue:  Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
           I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for               this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.
 
How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need     “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I                       will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want    “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel                          disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

9/1/2017

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Step 1         Find a Mediator

​Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Step 2          Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths. In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “Do I stay or go?” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list, reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?" 
Metaphor
When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3         Commitment 

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions. The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.
When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships. 
Other Forms of Betrayal
Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree. ​
Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt. 

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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    Author

    As a Marriage and Family Therapist, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.
     
    I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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