The Bathurst Blog - Bathurst Family Therapy, LLC.

3 H’s of Healthy Thinking

1/13/2022

Out with the old, in with the new… cognitive filters that is.

Do you ever realize that in a state of boredom, fatigue or anxious overwhelm your mind feels more penetrable to intrusive thoughts? Often, we only realize this when the thought has enough time to embed and trigger intense negative emotions, such as fear, powerlessness, sadness, regret, shame, anger.

Here’s a not so secret, secret. We do not have control of, nor are we defined by, the initial presence of these intrusive thoughts. We DO, however, have the ability to disempower them and redirect to something more positive or grounding. We are defined by what we do in response to these intrusions and how we express their piggy-backed emotions. For many, the emotional consequence of allowing intrusive thoughts to fester grows more intensely and can lead to mood disorders, physical health decline, displacement of negative emotion onto our relationship partners and unnecessary energy drain.

The 3 H’s

Let me share with you a simple, but effective, filter to evaluate if you want to keep or discard a thought.

Is it Healthy?
Is it Helpful to me?
Is it conducive to my Happiness?

If you respond No to all 3 questions, I encourage you to rid yourself of its negative energy. You do not have to adopt it as your own just because it is in your mind. To disempower an intrusive thought:

Acknowledge what the thought is. Avoiding its presence only empowers it. If I tell NOT to think of purple elephants, what will you likely think of for the entire rest of the day?
Shake it off. No, really. Engaging in a visceral shake of the body or head while imagining the thought spilling out of your ears makes the task a bit more concrete and increases efficacy of the attempted expulsion.
Intentionally redirect to something that DOES have a constructive quality to it. If you have nothing in mind, look around at the environment around you and get creative. Curiosity about the world has infinite possibilities of thought.

Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT, CPLC

Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Ins and Outs of Trust

11/2/2021

What is it? When you google the definition of trust, a word that is often used so globally and so simply becomes a bit more complex with the definitional inclusions of ‘character, ability, strength, or truth”. Trust is a characteristic and belief more so than it is a specific emotion, although most use it interchangeably to describe the way they feel (or don’t feel) towards another person.

Likely the reason why you are reading this: How do we (re)build it?

I will do my best to breakdown a largely subjective process into applicable and achievable goals. For some, Trust can be either earned or given from the start of a relationship. This philosophical difference is usually dictated by a person’s family-of-origin modeling, and what is familiar to them, as well as past relationships experience that has shaped their response in the now.

Trust can be shattered in a split second by decision and indecision / action or inaction, but to rebuild trust mandates time. The reason time is required is because rebuilding depends on the consistency of follow through with verbal promises made and subsequent observable actions to support the truth of those promises.
i.e. “Do what you say and say what you do”. If all is congruent, trust can rebuild!
Depending on the severity or repetition of betrayal, the extent of trust disintegration can vary greatly from completely compartmentalized to the area of injury and unaffecting other domains of the relationship (trusting that a partner will be present and supportive if you are physically ill but mistrusting that they won’t communicate inappropriately with a coworker), up to global mistrust that bleeds into all facets of one’s connection.

What is Means to be Trustworthy

If caring hurts too much, and for too long, humans turn to more drastic methods of self-preservation: apathy. As I frequently tell my clients, “Apathy is the antagonist of love… Once it is present, there is not a whole lot that therapeutic intervention can do to evoke reconnection.”

What if trust were a visible and tangible construct? Applying energy theory in relation to human biofields around the body, trust can look like rigid, frenetic lines close to the bodyline as to avoid coming into direct contact with the other person. This is often felt by a partner as coldness or distance even if physical proximity is pretty close.

An intuitive nature of trust is more than just, “do you believe the words they spoke?” 80% of our communication with each other is non-verbal (tonality, pace, subtle shifts in the musculature of the face, posture or body language, hand expression). If we leave a conversation doubting our partner, it may be from the nuanced or abnormal shifts in non-verbal communication even if we cannot pinpoint the reason why. This instance of mistrust, even if it is not based in known facts, still deeply affects an attachment between two (or more) people. We are all designed to be sensitive to the subtleties of a safe vs. unsafe environment. Whether it be the intuitive feeling of critical information being withheld (which triggers a fear response, as it puts us into a place of unknowing) or a complete falsification of information disclosed, we are naturally attuned to and deeply affected by these manifestations of emotional unsafety. At its core, this is mistrust.

"Apathy is the antagonist of Love"
- Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst

The best way to preserve the sanctity of your relationship is to communicate even when it feels uncomfortable or tense. Lying is guaranteed to damage your connection. Even without your partner knowing the content of a lie, secrecy is destructive and requires significant work on both ends to repair. Being a relationship specialist, it is my repeated experience that secrets don’t stay hidden indefinitely. Keep the line of communication open and prioritize follow-through on what you have said. You can do this!

Dr. Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT, CPLC

Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I Want to Want to (Sex)

11/24/2019

Have you...
Recommitted to a partner after an infidelity?
Been in a relationship for a while and feel more platonically than romantically connected to your partner?
Recently entered into a new relationship after having been hurt by a previous partner?

If any of the above hit home for you, you may be struggling with wanting to desire your partner but being unable to tap into the desire itself.

In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.

First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).

Our bodies are made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment.
Stephanie P. Bathurst

Second, heal and reprocess any history of physical or sexual trauma with a trained professional. It is critical that you heal from the suffering of past pain and diffuse your subconscious defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are ingrained survivalist tendencies but they will ALWAYS prioritize self-protection higher than relational connection.

Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli. We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.

Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire.

Holistic Treatment - Low Libido
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The Role of Oxytocin in Relationships

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist

Love & Possession

8/4/2019

At first glance, these words seem in opposition of one another. And in a healthy system, they are. So why do we, in normative culture, make romanticized expressions of love that glorify possession as a sort of rite of passage within a relationship? A healthy union does not rely solely on commitment or obligation to one another. Wouldn’t you prefer to wake up every day knowing that your partner chooses to be with you all over again? Try out these narrative reframes and see how they feel differently for you:

“They are mine and I am theirs.”
Instead, let’s try, “They choose to be mine and I choose to be theirs.”

“As a spouse, I am entitled to my partner’s time.”
Instead, let’s try, “I want to spend time with my partner.”

“It’s my duty to have sex when my partner is interested.”
Instead, let’s try, “I enjoy experiencing intimacy with my partner.”

We do not have an inherent right for ownership over another human being. In the same regard, we do not have the power to change, fix, heal or control another person (although we can express a degree of impact). The use of possessive language manipulates our expectations of another and builds feelings of jealousy out of these unreasonable expectations, as there is inevitable disappointment or loss associated with the repetitious let-down.

I invite us all to embrace personal choice and freedom in our relationships. This requires consciously releasing the rigidity of commitment, at least in the context that our societal history of oppression and hierarchy have shaped. Be mindful of the way that you are organically processing and absorbing your definition of commitment in your own relationship. Are there inadvertent signs of possession in your narrative? The good thing: What is learned, can be unlearned. YOU have the power and the ability to re-write your own narrative of love.

When you have an intention toward change, you create opportunity for it to come to fruition. 1. Develop awareness, 2. Identify your intention and 3. Invoke positive change for yourself.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

4/26/2019

When you think of the phrase Arousal Template, what do you think of? Well, when you search in google the predominant literature on arousal templates seem to be linked to Sex Addiction and recovery. Dr. Patrick Carnes originally defined a person's arousal template as a compilation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.

In an effort to model sex positivity in larger American culture, I want to challenge this tether between the construct of Arousal Templates and the limiting singular intention of treating sexual addiction. Arousal Template formulation can act to embrace the sexual enlightenment that can come from loving all that is you.

Let's make a choice to veer away from automatic pathology of sex. In my clinical belief, every human being has an inherent arousal template (we are, in fact, developed with evolutionary drives to procreate and belong to a group). The arousal template itself is a neutral entity. Could portions of it encapsulate unhealthy frameworks of sexuality or be partially built upon negative life experiences, such as sexual trauma or gender-shaming? Absolutely. And this is part of why identifying your own unique composition of arousal is so important. So that we can be mindful of our own needs, wants and limitations within and outside of the bedroom. And so that any partner(s) we may connect with have access to the information needed for showing respect to our needs, wants or limitations.

Let's formulate together. What comprises sexual / arousal templates?

- Philosophies of sexuality?
- Intriguing topics related to arousal?
- Known entities related to desire, arousal or orgasm?
- Preferred gender pronoun?
- Where do you lay on the sexual orientation spectrum?
- In what ways do you link sexuality with positivity (uplifting, pleasant emotional response) and in what ways do you link sexuality with negativity (heavy, unpleasant emotional response)?
- Your sexual history (memories that include sexuality, body form, “firsts”, etc)
- Religious or spiritual beliefs associated to sexuality?
- Presence of shame or guilt related to body form or sexual acts?
- What encourages you to tether sexual energy to one person / entity more than another?
- What turns you on or off?
- How much / in what way to you embody both masculine and feminine energy? What forms of energy do you seek in a sexual partner?
- What was modeled for you for affection in your family of origin?
- What role does sex play in your life? (i.e. How do you prioritize it with other life values? How much time do you choose to devote to it?)
- Beliefs on the use of sex toys, pornography, masturbatory aids?
- What is your preferred relationship structure? Why?

I hope that this activity sparked some reflection. It is impossible to communicate what we want / don't want to those that we connect with if we are unsure ourselves. This activity helps make your unique composition concrete enough to effectively verbalize. If you are celebrating life independently of a partner, this activity helps confirm the many aspects of your arousal template so that you can better love yourself in all of your unique glory. Enjoy yourselves and each other.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

What do you Need? What do you Want?

6/3/2018

Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels

Each and every human is a remarkable biological creature. You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you are able to provide fulfillment to your partner. My practice's motto is “Get Back to the Basics”. Oh, how true this is. Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.

First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue: Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.

How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

Visualization for Empaths

3/3/2018

Emotional defense mechanisms are like brick walls. They don’t discriminate about what they keep out. Your shield, may very well serve the purpose of keeping out hurt or pain but it simultaneously keeps out opportunities for attachment, care and love. This defense likely served a valuable function at one point in your life, protecting you in a situation that was perceived to be threatening. The presence of these built-in protective shields become problematic when they are continued out of habit rather than necessity. These emotional walls can often become unconsciously attached with your identity and cause you to detach from relationships or isolate from life experiences even in conflict with personal goals. Some may never have created an adaptive mechanism and feel overwhelmed by chaotic social environments, high-intensity work experiences, confrontation with another person and even emotionally intense movies. These are often Introverts or Empaths (people with high emotionally intelligence).

For those who absorb other people’s negativity or emotion and need to build up their emotional boundary for personal health, visualizing a shield, of sorts, can make concrete your emotional boundary. If you consider yourself to be an Empath this skill is VITAL to your own emotional grounding and in preventing burnout. I encourage my clients to personalize this activity to ensure efficacy of intervention. Make it your own!

Example 1: Imagine a superhero shield. When you feel like you need to deflect the negativity that someone else is trying to throw at you, place the palms of your hands up slightly. As you flex your hands, imagine this invisible shield switching on. It acts as a mirror, causing any negative emotion or comment to bounce right back at the person projecting it toward you.

Example 2: Have you ever seen Harry Potter? Remember the scene where Voldemort and Dumbledore battle in the Ministry of Magic? Dumbledore protects himself from thrown shattered glass by creating a shield. In this shield, anything that passes through is morphed into soft sand and rendered harmless. Use your finger as a wand when you want to implement this skill (a finger moving is inconspicuous in public and the physical cue can help formalize the shield visualization for your brain).

For those who have developed too rigid of a boundary with others and want to break down those bricks to connect again, reflect on people or environments that you can rationally identify as “safe”. Example 1: When ready, imagine stepping through this removed space of your environment and into open air. Join the world. Your brain has gotten so good at compartmentalizing that making a choice to join the present moment in your mental and emotional entirety will likely feel very uncomfortable. When you consciously bring down your emotional shield, do you feel lost, vulnerable or naked? The discomfort is temporary. The more you practice this skill and gain control, the associated anxiety of the unfamiliar will dissipate (I swear).

As with most concepts in the therapeutic context, we seek healthy moderation. Having an ability to turn on those protective walls in a future threatening situation can be a useful tool in keeping you safe. Having control of the emotional fluidity between you and your outside social environment can help you connect on a deeper level with those you care for. Moderation can help us remain safe while still prioritizing our quality of life.

Good luck in your practice of healthy emotional boundaries!

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

9/1/2017

Step 1 Find a Mediator

Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Step 2 Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths. In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “Do I stay or go?” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list, reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?"

When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3 Commitment

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions. The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.

When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships.

Other Forms of Betrayal

Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree.

Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

All I want is your time.

7/4/2017

photo credit: dmitryzhkov DR150904_0936D via photopin (license)

We live in an attention economy. Have you ever been engaged in conversation with someone and either their focus was split with another attention-consuming commodity or their attention was prioritized by another task perceivably more exciting or fulfilling than your present conversation? Everyday as a therapist, I am met with the upset of a partner, friend or family member who feels that their importance in the world of their loved ones has been stolen by television, gossip magazines, or that toss-a-ball-at-a-can app that seems to zombify any participant. The marketing ploys of today's attention economy feed instant gratification and short-term adrenaline... but at the expense of developing and sustaining long-term social attachments and healthy communication skills. Regain the power of where / who / what you gift your attention to. Make sure that this energy loss is a voluntary choice and of benefit to you.

Do you choose to make a conscious effort to stay present? If so, have you tried (to no avail) and what more can you do?

1. Practice Mindfulness. There are many forms of mindfulness. Try to focus on the experience of the now; what is going on around you and how your body is absorbing and responding to that energy.

2. In social situations, practice staying present by trying the following tips. If you find your eyes glazing over and becoming blurry/ unfocused during conversation with someone, periodically shift your gaze from their left eye to the middle of their nose to their right eye and back. You can also try reading their lips to connect with the words you hear throughout conversation. This forces your vision to constantly adapt and focus on your preferred target.

3. Practice Active Listening Techniques. These are communication tools that reinforce healthy processing and response:
- Empathy (Understanding how the person may feel in their own experience)
- Validation (Affirming that the person's own perspective is always valid... even if you do not agree with it)
- Mirroring (Direct reflection back of what they said)
- Paraphrasing or Summarizing (A chunked review of their expression)
- Switching (Asking if the other person is finished with their thought before beginning yours)

4. Know your bodies' needs and ensure that you are meeting its stimulus threshold, specifically for those that struggle with symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I KNOW that you have seen those fidget spinners in the hands of school-aged children. Perhaps you have even been hit by one flying surreptitiously through the air. Whether you use a nondescript item, such as a pen with a moveable thumb grip or a hair tie around your wrist that can be continuously bungeed, you are consciously increasing the stimuli around you which may enable you to remain present.

Let us model for others how to gift our attention to what truly matters... each other. Good luck in your efforts!

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

Shame and Guilt: The directives of our social selves.

3/31/2017

So, what exactly is the difference? The terms are often used interchangeably. However, there are some core differences that help us to clearly identify their origin when we feel that these painful emotions are creating unhealthy dysfunction in our lives.

Shame is a projection of disappointment from other people in your social system. This is a natural deterrent for unapproved behaviors from an individual, as it decays one’s position in their social hierarchy. In contrast, Guilt is an internally driven emotion, substantiated by conflict between your behavioral actions and core values or morals. Shame is dependent on the opinions of others’ and is often related to an observable consequence. Guilt builds off of one’s developed moral and ethical code of conduct. Both concepts are associated with one another closely and both require an inherent sense of empathy to be present.

As per Dictionary.com
SHAME
noun
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another:

GUILT
noun
2.
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

The anthropological tellings of “Never in Anger” authored by Jean L. Briggs focuses on the social norms and expectations of an Inuit Eskimo community, the Utku. As an anthropologist, Briggs sought to immerse herself into the culture, finding it difficult to adapt to the social avoidance of Anger, which was seen as a shameful lack of self-control. Deviations from the social norm are adjusted and molded by implementation of shame and guilt. In this narrative, members were physically and emotionally ostracized, shamed for their disregard of systemic rules (presenting with a lack of strict emotional regulation). This reinforced conformity in the system, thus strengthening the efficacy of using shame and guilt as behavioral modification tools in society.

What culture(s) do you personally connect with and in what ways do Shame or Guilt drive you to unite with the rules and expectations of your external environment?

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

The Development and Understanding of Sexual Identity

2/23/2017

Sexual identity is NOT synonymous with the physical sex of a person, particularly if one’s sex differs from their identified gender orientation. It is more than just who we prefer to become intimate with and how we prefer the intimacy: sexual identity is comprised of many things, not excluding sexual preferences for physical, emotional, spiritual fulfillment, and how we give and receive support and closeness from others, often of which is intertwined with political views, lifestyle interests, and closeness with a sexualized (or non-sexualized) community. Regarding sexuality, and specifically Feminist constructs of sexuality, in addition to behavioral components of the sexual identity, it is vital to review “element[s] of the self-conscious, reflective and reasoning power and emotional response” (Bristow, 1997, p.143).

" We all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves."
- Stephanie P. Bathurst

Many professionals in the field of direct human services (sociologists, anthropologists and psychologists) reject the dichotomous view of gender, in that the similarities between men and women significantly outweigh their differences (Epstein, 1988; Gerson, 1990; West & Zimmerman, 1991). There is more to a person’s sexual identity than just the labeling of their gender/expression, gender role, or sexual orientation. How is it evolved over time and through experience? Identity development is often molded through social pressure and expectation, modeling of relational structures and presentation of cultural norms in each individual’s environment. Societal and environmental processes mentioned above are some of the components that are more learnable as the events can facilitate or impede acquisitional processes through attentional, representational, productional, and motivational means (Bandura, 1999). This unique recipe for identity development enables individuation and creativity, and concurrently presents availability for discrimination and conformity. Humanistic concepts of curiosity, adventure, pleasure, comfort, exploration of erogenous zones, and physical developments during puberty all play a significant role in the attunement and application of sexual identity in oneself.

Where does sexuality have a place in your personal identity? Do you feel that your externalized sexual-self, the self that is observed by others, and the internalized sexual-self, the self that aligns with your beliefs, values, needs and fulfillment, are cohesive entities? To have differences in one’s ideal self and their real self creates an inherent inner conflict within the subconscious that likely will present in emotional or psychological symptomology. To reduce the disruption created by this rift, it is vital to prioritize self-discovery and exploration; permit the freedom to present your most authentic sexual self.

In an effort to encourage systemic and global perspectives in the realm of sexual theory, self-exploration is equally as vital as the permittance and acceptance of others’ exploration in their search for authenticity. As long as safety and consent are present in all explorative journeys, we all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves.

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

Without Words

10/23/2015

How many ways are there to communicate our happiness, comfort, contentment, distaste, disappointment? Pick the emotion that is most prominent in your head right now. Now try to verbalize this emotion in as little words as possible. How many did you use to express yourself?

The trick: 0 words. All too often, we forget our natural ability to emotionally communicate through para-language. This could be anything from a single raised eyebrow, the slight downward turn at the edge of your lip or the crossing of your arms in a guarded manner. Of these inconspicuous facial features or obvious body movements, a thousands words can be "said" within a millisecond of pure silence.

The key to using this language to convey to others how you feel in a situation and the trick to using this self-projective language to gain insight into ourselves better is to practice our awareness. Practicing and using your own awareness of these experiences can allow you to understand your own emotions at a deeper level, being able to connect them to specific triggers. Awareness also helps to prevent miscommunications from occurring between others. For example, say I was walking in a department store aisle with a friend. When my friend was in the middle of an important conversation about her significant other, a stranger bumps into me and doesn't say excuse me. When my friend turns to check-in with me at the end of her story, she assumes my now annoyed facial expression is in response to her, causing a conversational drift between she and I. If I were aware of my change in affect when the stranger bumped into me, I would adjust my furrowed brows and tensed shoulders before engaging in the conversation with my friend.

Awareness of the language we project onto others, even when we don't say a single word, is vital for healthy communication.

Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

Categories

Author

As a Clinician, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.

I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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