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Developing an Effective Reparative Process [TUTORIAL]

7/18/2020

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Why have a Relationship First Aid Kit?

All romantic structures are comprised of individual beings who have their own unique personalities, beliefs and nuances. Because we, as our unique selves, are naturally imperfect, we create naturally imperfect systems that occasionally can erupt into tension and conflict. It is critical to the sustainability of the relationship that we have protocols in place to immediately and effectively re-connect and repair damage done to the connection. Without the inclusion of a reparative process after a tense, injurious or explosive exchange, resentment can quickly build and lead to intimacy loss. 

Rule of Thumb: Aim to engage in repair as soon as all individuals have self-regulated. The longer you wait between the injurious moment and the repair technique, the less effective it may be. This rule of thumb is grounded in Behavioral Theory.
(Behavioral modification, such as reinforcement or consequence, is most effective when immediately following the redirected behavior).

What are the Basics?

Emotional Awareness. Each individual is responsible for managing their own awareness of rising emotional tension. There is a threshold to an escalation process. Each individual must be able to identify when they are just beginning to feel agitated and there is still time to diffuse conjointly.

Diffusive Techniques. These should be specially adapted to you and your partner(s) unique dynamic.
       *See below for examples*


Shared Goal. Pre-determined and verbalized as a cue to redirect the escalation, this will be a source of anchoring for the partners when they may start fluttering into personal defenses and exchange of ammo. Effective shared goals should be fairly global rather than intensely specific, to be applied in multiple situations, and should also be relationship oriented. (i.e. "For us to work this issue out as a team so that we can get back to enjoying life together"). Once exchanged, this helps each partner shift perspective away from hyper-focus on the triggering situation itself and toward the health of the relationship as a whole.

Timeliness. It’s critical to catch an escalation exchange early. Once we reach a threshold where any party is emotionally dysregulated (when they are in a fight-flight-freeze mode), we are less likely to be able to reach the parts of our brain that access clear thinking, decision-making processes and future-oriented planning. This functional limitation prevents the continuation of the dialogue from being constructive. 
​
Types of Diffusion Techniques
  • Playfulness (i.e. silly grins or “penguining” your arms while walking toward your partner) - If you and your partner find humor to be a connective force between you, this is a highly valuable technique. Together, discuss if there are any neutrally playful cues that you give to one another to bring about a smile.
    • TIP: Avoid using sarcasm or any kind of intense tone fluctuation. Although the intention may be good in the moment, remember that things are already intense and may be more easily misinterpreted. 
  • Physical Cues – These are pre-negotiated, neutral body movements that signify, "Uh oh, we are talking at each other and not with each other. Let's shift gears together to get back on track." These can be a waving of your hand as if to wave a white flag for truce, a peace sign, etc.
  • Physical Touch – Carefully discuss this with one another, as physical touch can further agitate or trigger those with sensory sensitivity and trauma history (i.e. sitting on a partner’s lap, bear hugs, facing together with knees and hands touching)
  • Emotion-Focused Dialogues – For those most responsive to verbal affirmation, giving the dialogue some much needed guidance that not only defines the roles of each partner (sender of information or receiver of information) to avoid engaging power dynamics, but also ensures the inclusion of active listening techniques that help the couple emotionally connect. Active listening techniques include affirming body language that you are hearing your partner, validation, empathy, paraphrasing or summarizing.
    • TIP: EFT communication scripts are specifically designed to guide in re-connection
EFT Script Sample
Keep working together to build, refine and perfect your personalized reparative process. You and your relationship are worth it!

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D., LCMFT, CKCT
​Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Therapist

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Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

4/26/2019

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When you think of the phrase Arousal Template, what do you think of? Well, when you search in google the predominant literature on arousal templates seem to be linked to Sex Addiction and recovery. Dr. Patrick Carnes originally defined a person's arousal template as a compilation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.

​In an effort to model sex positivity in larger American culture, I want to challenge this  tether between the construct of Arousal Templates and the limiting singular intention of treating sexual addiction. Arousal Template formulation can act to embrace the sexual enlightenment that can come from loving all that is you.

Let's make a choice to veer away from automatic pathology of sex. In my clinical belief, every human being has an inherent arousal template (we are, in fact, developed with evolutionary drives to procreate and belong to a group). The arousal template itself is a neutral entity. Could portions of it encapsulate unhealthy frameworks of sexuality or be partially built upon negative life experiences, such as sexual trauma or gender-shaming? Absolutely. And this is part of why identifying your own unique composition of arousal is so important. So that we can be mindful of our own needs, wants and limitations within and outside of the bedroom. And so that any partner(s) we may connect with have access to the information needed for showing respect to our needs, wants or limitations.

Let's formulate together. What comprises sexual / arousal templates?

- Philosophies of sexuality?
- Intriguing topics related to arousal?
- Known entities related to desire, arousal or orgasm?
- Preferred gender pronoun?
- Where do you lay on the sexual orientation spectrum?
- In what ways do you link sexuality with positivity (uplifting, pleasant emotional response) and in what ways do you link sexuality with negativity (heavy, unpleasant emotional response)?
- Your sexual history (memories that include sexuality, body form, “firsts”, etc)
- Religious or spiritual beliefs associated to sexuality?
- Presence of shame or guilt related to body form or sexual acts?
- What encourages you to tether sexual energy to one person / entity more than another? 
- What turns you on or off?
- How much / in what way to you embody both masculine and feminine energy? What               forms of energy do you seek in a sexual partner?
- What was modeled for you for affection in your family of origin?
- What role does sex play in your life? (i.e. How do you prioritize it with other life values?           How much time do you choose to devote to it?)
- Beliefs on the use of sex toys, pornography, masturbatory aids?
- What is your preferred relationship structure? Why?
 
I hope that this activity sparked some reflection. It is impossible to communicate what we want / don't want to those that we connect with if we are unsure ourselves. This activity helps make your unique composition concrete enough to effectively verbalize. If you are celebrating life independently of a partner, this activity helps confirm the many aspects of your arousal template so that you can better love yourself in all of your unique glory. Enjoy yourselves and each other. 



Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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What do you Need? What do you Want?

6/3/2018

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Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels
Each and every human is a remarkable biological creature.  You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you are able to provide fulfillment to your partner. My practice's motto is “Get Back to the Basics”. Oh, how true this is. Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.
First things first. It’s vital that we take a moment to self-process this difference before we make a formal request to our partner. We cannot expect another person to help us with our needs or wants if we are unable to explicitly state them. When we clearly identify if our request is a Need or a Want, we are then able to communicate these with our partner. Some helpful hints to encourage receptivity and discourage misunderstanding during this dialogue:  Aim for concise statements. The more verbose you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers. Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) from an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
           I.e. Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for               this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.
 
How do we differentiate validity of Need and Want? Below are my simplified definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions and share your exact definition with important people in your life.

Need     “In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I                       will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe.)
Want    “I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.” (If I do not receive this, I will feel                          disappointed and potentially upset, however, will be able to accept this.)

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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All I want is your time.

7/4/2017

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Picturephoto credit: dmitryzhkov DR150904_0936D via photopin (license)
We live in an attention economy.  Have you ever been engaged in conversation with someone and either their focus was split with another attention-consuming commodity or their attention was prioritized by another task perceivably more exciting or fulfilling than your present conversation? Everyday as a therapist, I am met with the upset of a partner, friend or family member who feels that their importance in the world of their loved ones has been stolen by television, gossip magazines, or that toss-a-ball-at-a-can app that seems to zombify any participant. The marketing ploys of today's attention economy feed instant gratification and short-term adrenaline... but at the expense of developing and sustaining long-term social attachments and healthy communication skills. Regain the power of where / who / what you gift your attention to. Make sure that this energy loss is a voluntary choice and of benefit to you.  

Do you choose to make a conscious effort to stay present? If so, have you tried (to no avail) and what more can you do?

1. Practice Mindfulness. There are many forms of mindfulness. Try to focus on the experience of the now; what is going on around you and how your body is absorbing and responding to that energy. 

2. In social situations, practice staying present by trying the following tips. If you find your eyes glazing over and becoming blurry/ unfocused during conversation with someone, periodically shift your gaze from their left eye to the middle of their nose to their right eye and back. You can also try reading their lips to connect with the words you hear throughout conversation. This forces your vision to constantly adapt and focus on your preferred target. 

3. Practice Active Listening Techniques. These are communication tools that reinforce healthy processing and response:
- Empathy   (Understanding how the person may feel in their own experience)
- Validation  (Affirming that the person's own perspective is always valid... even if you do not agree with it)
- Mirroring   (Direct reflection back of what they said)
- Paraphrasing or Summarizing    (A chunked review of their expression)
- Switching     (Asking if the other person is finished with their thought before beginning yours)

4. Know your bodies' needs and ensure that you are meeting its stimulus threshold, specifically for those that struggle with symptoms of ADHD or ADD. I KNOW that you have seen those fidget spinners in the hands of school-aged children. Perhaps you have even been hit by one flying surreptitiously through the air. Whether you use a nondescript item, such as a pen with a moveable thumb grip or a hair tie around your wrist that can be continuously bungeed, you are consciously increasing the stimuli around you which may enable you to remain present. 

Let us model for others how to gift our attention to what truly matters... each other. Good luck in your efforts!


Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist 

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The Adult Coloring Page Bandwagon... Do you really know?

10/21/2016

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I am sure by now you have experienced the trending of Mandala's, also called Adult Coloring Books, Therapeutic Coloring and Zen Art. For those of you who find this activity cathartic and helpful in regulating anxiety, sadness, irritation, etc., I have included a link below to a website that provides a plethora of FREE pages to download and color. But before you mindlessly immerse yourself into another page, travel back in time with me to discover the true meaning behind this ancient meditative practice.

   * For those who haven’t drank the coloring book Kool-Aid, let’s see if understanding the true purpose behind the original application of this activity sparks your interest.
FREE Page Downloads!
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Mandalas have been used for centuries as an enlightenment tool to practice meditation and attempt to achieve enlightenment, often involving religious or spiritual deities in the core of their art to connect with divine energies. 

As comparable to many American activities that have been adapted from other cultures, a significant portion of the activity has been lost, thus changing the true intent behind it. It is so often that I hear of Mandala pages being posted on walls as beautiful trophies to display the energy and time spent into the project. In this, I can understand the intrinsic nature to hold tightly onto something that provides you a sense of accomplishment and pride.

In contrast to the Americanized display of art, Tibetan monks routinely deconstruct every breath-taking and ornate Mandala they spend days/ weeks/ months creating. WHY?! I am immediately questioned by clients who are shocked by my explanation of this part of the ancient practice. Well, we are not supposed to be dependent on our physical creations and material objects for our sense of fulfillment and pride. The traditional deconstruction of each Mandala symbolizes the impermanent nature of existence  in this physical world that we thrive and survive in. 

Mind blown? Not understanding the big deal? I encourage you to test the waters. Click the above link and pick out a very personalized Adult Coloring page: one that will consume your time, energy and mind through completion. Focus only on the devotion to this page until it is finished. Spend 5-10 minutes appreciating your beautiful work and the degree of spiritual energy put into this piece of art. After your appreciation time is finished, safely deconstruct the page (feel free to get creative by tearing it into pieces, allowing it to dissolve in a sink of water, burning the page in a fireplace). While watching the physicality of your fulfillment dissolve, remain aware of your emotional connection to it. If you find yourself feeling low, sinking or a void of the contentment you previously felt, it may be a sign that you are too dependent on the physical embodiments around you for your own self-worth and fulfillment. 

Good luck in your practice and thanks for joining me on this journey of comparison, history and focus on self-awareness! 

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
                                                                                                 (https://www.asia.si.edu/exhibitions/online/mandala/mandala.htm)
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    As a Clinician, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.
     
    I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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