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I Want to Want to (Sex)

11/24/2019

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                 Have you...
​Recommitted to a partner after an infidelity?
Been in a relationship for a while and feel more platonically than romantically connected to your partner?
Recently entered into a new relationship after having been hurt by a previous partner? 
If any of the above hit home for you, you may be struggling with wanting to desire your partner but being unable to tap into the desire itself.

In order to increase openness of intimacy and receptivity to touch from your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind. Some of which you can work on independently for personal and relational growth and some may require the intervention of a trained therapist.

First, challenge your internal fear response. Fear is often the catalyst for psychological barriers to intimacy. Psychologically resistance to desire can be present for a number of reasons. I.e. Fear of rejection (pain), Fear of ridicule (shame), Fear of the unknowns or the future. Think about whether the fears that create distance between you and your partner(s) are real or perceived. If real, is there anything that you can do to impact your situation for the better? If not, than we must practice acceptance for what we do not have the ability to change. If perceived, try changing the way you think about something. Focus on what you know (the objective facts) rather than what you imagine could be (often negative in nature and evoking uncomfortable emotions).
Our bodies are made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment.       
​       
Stephanie P. Bathurst
Second, heal and reprocess any history of physical or sexual trauma with a trained professional. It is critical that you heal from the suffering of past pain and diffuse your subconscious defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are ingrained survivalist tendencies but they will ALWAYS prioritize self-protection higher than relational connection.

Third, empower your sexual self by initiating some sexual stimuli.  We are all sexual beings. For us to ignore, or reject, that inherent part of us is to reject an intrinsic part of ourselves. Let your body do some of the work for you, it’s made to experience the energy of intimacy and the gravity of attachment. Create opportunities for your body to release “feel-good hormones” such as Serotonin, Phenylethylamine, Dopamine, Adrenaline, Oxytocin, which all play an integral role in our intimate connections with a romantic partner. The conditioned response of these hormones (when they flood your system) combined with the presence of your partner can encourage future attraction, connection, excitement, etc.

Additionally, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor to complete a full blood panel on your hormone levels, including your thyroid, as a precaution for any underlying medical conditions that may impact desire. 
Holistic Treatment - Low Libido
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The Role of Oxytocin in Relationships

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist

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Arousal Template - Defining Your Sexual Self

4/26/2019

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When you think of the phrase Arousal Template, what do you think of? Well, when you search in google the predominant literature on arousal templates seem to be linked to Sex Addiction and recovery. Dr. Patrick Carnes originally defined a person's arousal template as a compilation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.

​In an effort to model sex positivity in larger American culture, I want to challenge this  tether between the construct of Arousal Templates and the limiting singular intention of treating sexual addiction. Arousal Template formulation can act to embrace the sexual enlightenment that can come from loving all that is you.

Let's make a choice to veer away from automatic pathology of sex. In my clinical belief, every human being has an inherent arousal template (we are, in fact, developed with evolutionary drives to procreate and belong to a group). The arousal template itself is a neutral entity. Could portions of it encapsulate unhealthy frameworks of sexuality or be partially built upon negative life experiences, such as sexual trauma or gender-shaming? Absolutely. And this is part of why identifying your own unique composition of arousal is so important. So that we can be mindful of our own needs, wants and limitations within and outside of the bedroom. And so that any partner(s) we may connect with have access to the information needed for showing respect to our needs, wants or limitations.

Let's formulate together. What comprises sexual / arousal templates?

- Philosophies of sexuality?
- Intriguing topics related to arousal?
- Known entities related to desire, arousal or orgasm?
- Preferred gender pronoun?
- Where do you lay on the sexual orientation spectrum?
- In what ways do you link sexuality with positivity (uplifting, pleasant emotional response) and in what ways do you link sexuality with negativity (heavy, unpleasant emotional response)?
- Your sexual history (memories that include sexuality, body form, “firsts”, etc)
- Religious or spiritual beliefs associated to sexuality?
- Presence of shame or guilt related to body form or sexual acts?
- What encourages you to tether sexual energy to one person / entity more than another? 
- What turns you on or off?
- How much / in what way to you embody both masculine and feminine energy? What               forms of energy do you seek in a sexual partner?
- What was modeled for you for affection in your family of origin?
- What role does sex play in your life? (i.e. How do you prioritize it with other life values?           How much time do you choose to devote to it?)
- Beliefs on the use of sex toys, pornography, masturbatory aids?
- What is your preferred relationship structure? Why?
 
I hope that this activity sparked some reflection. It is impossible to communicate what we want / don't want to those that we connect with if we are unsure ourselves. This activity helps make your unique composition concrete enough to effectively verbalize. If you are celebrating life independently of a partner, this activity helps confirm the many aspects of your arousal template so that you can better love yourself in all of your unique glory. Enjoy yourselves and each other. 



Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, Ph.D ABD, LCMFT
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist

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Considering an Open Relationship?

11/5/2018

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Thinking about opening up your relationship? Before you do, I encourage a reflection between you and your current, primary partner as to the intent. Jumping into a non-traditional relationship structure for the first time can be an exhilarating and joining experience for you both…   If it is done healthily and with preparation. I can not tell you how many new client have entered into therapy with the catalyst being a poorly constructed opening of the relationship.  To enter into consensual non-monogamy without proper attention to how, why, and in what way can ultimately lead to feelings of betrayal and infidelity.

When we start this journey off with healthy and positive intent, we have such higher probability of success. Reasons NOT to enter into an open relationship at this time:
  • I am no longer interested in my partner and am looking for someone else to have sex with.  
  • My partner and I are having serious relationship difficulties and think that bringing in a “spark” will help.
  • I am feeling angry or hurt and want my partner to feel as hurt as I am.
​If any of these are present, please seek out a Couple Therapist to help repair the dyadic relationship FIRST. When stable, together you can look through the attached contract questionnaire to get started in enjoying the fruits of consensual non-monogamy.
The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment.
                                            - Stephanie P. Bathurst, LCMFT
I have been working on the formulation of a Energy Theory for Relationships that affirms the significance of HOW energy within a relational system is dissemination as the primary identifier of a successful relationship rather than HOW MANY persons are included in the romantic system. [Dissertation and Book to come]. For now, I will shared some brief insight. Energy comes in a variance of forms (please reference Chapman’s theory on The 5 Love Languages, Gottman's Forms of Betrayal, and Berman's book Quantum Love). The fluidity of energy given and energy received between two people is the core foundation of interpersonal fulfillment. This energy exchange IS NOT exclusively dependent on the presence of an additional dyad in the system.

For those of you who have read my article on Repair from Infidelity, this statement will sound familiar. An infidelity is ANYTHING that drains vital energy from the dyadic relationship. To prevent a non-traditional relationship structure from being experienced as an infidelity, it requires us to be mindful and conscientious of how we allocate our energy to each partner(s). This mindfulness of energy exchange can be solidified in a therapeutic and transparent way through the review of my Open Relationship Contract Questionnaire, breaking down the process into 3 vital components: Boundaries, Safety, Communication. All of you Kinksters out there will connect with this last bit. Consent, Consent, Consent. There should be no secrecy, no shame, no judgement when entering into a new structure together. 

When we are healthy and stable individuals, we can then create a healthy and stable system. This system should absolutely include exploration and excitement. For some, that goes beyond monogamy. And for them, that is wonderful!
BFT Open Contract Questionnaire
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Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

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I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

9/1/2017

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Step 1         Find a Mediator

​Shop around for the right-fit therapist. It is vital to have the support and guidance from an unbiased third party to reduce re-injury of attachment to your partner during the expression stage of repair. I recommend seeking out a therapist trained in family systems, such as Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapists. To help you in your search for a couple’s therapist, here are some of the orientations that I find most helpful in Couple’s Therapy. I implement Emotion-Focused Therapy and Gottman-based techniques to build connectivity and passion in the relationship and to attend to communication barriers. When applicable (case-by-case), Structural Family Therapy can be quite effective for boundary issues and hierarchy shifts (when a relationship has transitioned to a parent-child versus partner-partner, or when there are relationship injuries associated with conflict of parenting techniques). Solution-Focused Therapy is a brief therapy orientation that can be most helpful for tangible solution-based problems and most connects with those who are logic-driven in thought. Sex Therapy can also be a vital part of the process, however, as a therapist, I implement Sex Therapy after some of the groundwork for the relationship foundation has been built.

Step 2          Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths. In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “Do I stay or go?” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list, reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?" 
Metaphor
When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3         Commitment 

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions. The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.
When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships. 
Other Forms of Betrayal
Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree. ​
Hoping that information on the repair process can help you and your partner begin healing from past hurt. 

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist

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The Development and Understanding of Sexual Identity

2/23/2017

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Sexual identity is NOT synonymous with the physical sex of a person, particularly if one’s sex differs from their identified gender orientation. It is more than just who we prefer to become intimate with and how we prefer the intimacy: sexual identity is comprised of many things, not excluding sexual preferences for physical, emotional, spiritual fulfillment, and how we give and receive support and closeness from others, often of which is intertwined with political views, lifestyle interests, and closeness with a sexualized (or non-sexualized) community. Regarding sexuality, and specifically Feminist constructs of sexuality, in addition to behavioral components of the sexual identity, it is vital to review “element[s] of the self-conscious, reflective and reasoning power and emotional response” (Bristow, 1997, p.143).  ​
" We all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves."
                                  - Stephanie P. Bathurst


​Many professionals in the field of direct human services (sociologists, anthropologists and psychologists) reject the dichotomous view of gender, in that the similarities between men and women significantly outweigh their differences (Epstein, 1988; Gerson, 1990; West & Zimmerman, 1991).
 There is more to a person’s sexual identity than just the labeling of their gender/expression, gender role, or sexual orientation. How is it evolved over time and through experience? Identity development is often molded through social pressure and expectation, modeling of relational structures and presentation of cultural norms in each individual’s environment. Societal and environmental processes mentioned above are some of the components that are more learnable as the events can facilitate or impede acquisitional processes through attentional, representational, productional, and motivational means (Bandura, 1999). This unique recipe for identity development enables individuation and creativity, and concurrently presents availability for discrimination and conformity. Humanistic concepts of curiosity, adventure, pleasure, comfort, exploration of erogenous zones, and physical developments during puberty all play a significant role in the attunement and application of sexual identity in oneself. ​​
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Where does sexuality have a place in your personal identity? Do you feel that your externalized sexual-self, the self that is observed by others, and the internalized sexual-self, the self that aligns with your beliefs, values, needs and fulfillment, are cohesive entities? To have differences in one’s ideal self and their real self creates an inherent inner conflict within the subconscious that likely will present in emotional or psychological symptomology. To reduce the disruption created by this rift, it is vital to prioritize self-discovery and exploration; permit the freedom to present your most authentic sexual self. 
In an effort to encourage systemic and global perspectives in the realm of sexual theory, self-exploration is equally as vital as the permittance and acceptance of others’ exploration in their search for authenticity. As long as safety and consent are present in all explorative journeys, we all have a right and cosmic responsibility to seek purity in ourselves. ​​

Author

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
​Marriage and Family Therapist

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The Taboo Exam...

3/23/2016

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I recently had a discussion with someone about the need for an STI check-up (Sexually Transmitted Infection). The debate centered on the need for a "down there" talk and test with your doctor after each new intimate partner, especially when engaged with multiple partners. I was asked if it was okay to gauge one's sexual health by the negative test of a partner's STI exam. The logic being "if she was tested and is clear, I must be, too." 
 
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The conversation ended in me pleading, "please, please, get checked yourself!" Why, you may ask, should you both make a trip to the doctors office, pay that $15 co-pay each time you wrestle in the sheets with someone new? 
            1. Lab results occasionally misread. They are not a specific science and are based off of blood, saliva and urine samples taken from your doctor. Better to have the peace of mind that both of you are negative than assume all is good. 
               2. Some infections, such as Chlamydia, can take months until a warning sign appears after being infected and by then it could have spread across the body. 
              3. Assuming that your new partner's word-of-mouth is accurate leads you vulnerable. What if they assumed a previous partner's word-of-mouth assurance of an STI free check-up and used this as a basis for being STI free? Now you both may be in danger....Hmmm. Things to ponder.

Never stop enjoying each other and sharing life's passion with those that intrigue and fascinate you. But please be safe about this. Safety (using protection, getting your annual Pap and STI tests) ensures that you have many more years of adventurous fun to come!

For more information on which annual checks are necessary for certain people, check out this link from the Mayo Clinic.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/in-depth/std-testing/art-20046019

Stephanie P. Bathurst, MA, LCMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
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    As a Clinician, my professional passion is helping couples to identify happiness and security in the confusion of societal pressures.
     
    I have worked within many different domains in the field of Therapy and across all client demographics. Both personally and professionally, these writings are brought with hopes for insight, discussion and debate. To help us all continue to grow and evolutionize ourselves through knowledge.

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