I'm Hurting from Infidelity... Now What?

September 1, 2017

Step 1 Find a Mediator

right-fit therapist

Step 2 Affirm a Shared Direction

In the beginning stage of Couple’s therapy, it is vital to have a shared goal and direction. Progress cannot be made if each partner’s goals are facing different paths.

In this stage, I am often met with one partner who is caught in the battle, “ Do I stay or go? ” How do you attend to the foot-in-foot-out process of dyadic repair? Having an individual therapist may be helpful in your decision-making process to reconcile or separate. Creating a pro-con list , reflecting on your core values and ways in which your choice to stay or go would act congruently or in conflict with these values, and committing to the repair process initially to reduce impulsivity in the decision-making process are ways to help you end the teetering of "stay or go?"

Metaphor

When your body is sick you sometimes need to vomit out all of the bad in order for your body to heal.

Step 3 Commitment

Commitment is a core part of a relationship foundation. Once the direction of therapy is decided (reconciliation or amicable separation with potential co-parenting coaching), it is important to commit to 6 consecutive sessions . The reason for this “magic number 6” is that you can expect things to get a bit worse before the get better. The expression stage of repair can be related to a “vomiting” of hurt and painful experiences in order to get to the root of the hurt.

When it comes to the healing process, we tend to focus most heavily on the obvious form of betrayal: The Physical Infidelity. Although it is important to attend to the sexual infidelity, acknowledgment, repair and forgiveness (notice I did not mention the need to forget) of the more inconspicuous forms of betrayal that repeatedly sprain the attachment tether in the dyad is also vital for long-term repair. Are any of the following underlying sprains present in your relationship? John Gottman developed a model for relational repair after infidelity and has labeled the following as alternate forms of betrayal which require healing for healthy relationships.

Other Forms of Betrayal

Non-sexual affairs (This does not need to involve another person. Anything that is draining vital energy from the relationship can be seen and felt as an affair), lying or lack of follow-through, coldness, withdrawal of affection or sex, unfairness, selfishness, abuse of any degree.